Octomum the Series (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

Nadya Suleman, known as Octomum after giving birth to octuplets in January, has agreed to star in a reality TV show about her life. And for the second series, maybe she can have another fourteen kids.

No US network has yet bought the series. Unfortunately, with fourteen children, they’re afraid the average viewer won’t be able to follow it.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. And let’s face it, anything that isn’t changing nappies or being spewed on, she’s into.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. The series will consist of four hundred clips of her saying “Okay, well” before being interrupted by crying babies, nappy changes, breast feeds, brawling toddlers, and trying to deal with the crazy mess that is her life. / Should be easy to fit in between crying babies, nappy changes, breast feeds, brawling toddlers, and slitting her wrists.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. But with 14 kids, she also quite likes the idea of sleeping.

Film crews will document milestones, like the octuplets’ birthday, and any time she collects her giant social security cheque. She’s like a one-woman stimulus package!

The series will feature Octomum, her family, and her wacky neighbourhood doctor. He’ll put anyone on IVF!

Octomum was an absolute certainty for a reality show. After all, she’s more hated than Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton put together!

Nadya signed up for the reality show straight away. She can’t wait for the evictions to start.

The reality series will be relatively unobtrusive to her regular life, although in each episode, one child will be voted out of the family.

Of course it’s apt that Octomum has had octuplets. That’s one for each of her tentacles.

She’s been dubbed “octomum”, although given that she has fourteen kids, she should actually be called either tetrakaideca-mum or quatuordeci-mum, depending on whether “mum” takes a Greek or Latin numerical prefix. I’m going to write to the Producers.

The series will just be an average mum’s ordinary day-to-day life as she tries to raise 14 kids, avoid the paparazzi, turn down million-dollar porn offers, chat with Dr Phil, and film herself for her own series. You know, standard reality TV.

If that’s “reality” TV, then I don’t want to see “over-the-top exploitative crazy” TV.

She says that being the focus of a reality television program is actually the perfect way to get away from the paparazzi – once she’s on TV every night, there’s nothing for them to do!

The series has yet to be sold to a US network, despite the promise of the most nappies to have ever been seen on the screen! (It’ll be a ratings smash!)

They’re starting off with six episodes, but if it looks like it’s going well, they’ll implant another eight.

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