Bothering burglars (GNW 22/6/09: News For The Backward)

British police who suspected a gang of burglars were about to embark on a spree wrote them a letter warning that they’d be watched, and then followed them day and night for a week wearing cameras in their hats. Smile! You’re on Candid Copper!

Ah, writing letters and wearing cameras in your hats. That’s what being a cop’s all about.

They knew the gang of burglars was about to embark on a spree – an undercover operative picked it up on the potplant mike and dialled it in on their shoe-phone.

Proof that the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing has really taken a back seat with the police force. Now it’s “guilty before a crime”!

It’s just a slight rewriting of the presumption of innocence: “Surveilled until proven guilty.”

The technique’s been so successful that from now on anyone suspected of planning a murder will be executed.

Unfortunately while the dozen suspected burglars were being followed, the police station was robbed.

Even better, the cameras automatically switch off when they detect a raised truncheon.

Operation Bother a Burglar has managed to halve the burglaries in that area of Essex. The only ones that have been committed were while the cops were changing tapes.

As the crimes could never be committed, the gang members remained innocent, and so the police in question have now been charged with stalking.

Operation Bother a Burglar has managed to halve the burglaries in that area of Essex, although apparently complaints of stalking are way up.

Surveillance has never been so obtrusive!

And if the gang continue to avoid doing anything suspicious in front of the cameras, it’ll be time for “Operation Shock and Awe”.

The police said they were also pretty sure the hardcore gang were hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction in there somewhere.

“Operation Bother a Burglar” has worked fantastically in cutting burglary rates. In a hope to cut crime rates more generally, the police have vowed to bother everyone else.

They’re ramping up Operation Bother a Burglar, now including hiding their keys and putting whoopee cushions on their seats.

As if speed cameras weren’t hard enough to avoid, now they’ll follow you!

The police followed the suspected burglars around, day and night, for a week. Shouldn’t they be out catching real criminals? Oh, right.

To tell the truth, the cops didn’t really think the gang would commit any crimes. They were just hanging for an excuse to use their hat-cameras.

Inspired by the success, the Essex police force has now intoduced a series of red-light-hat-cameras at dangerous intersections.

To wipe out ALL crime, police forces around the world are now sending out a warning letter to EVERYONE.

The police have finally discovered what everyone else already knows – they’re experts at bothering people. / being ANNOYING.

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” If he’d known he was going to be followed, he wouldn’t have gotten into burglary in the first place!

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order. Aren’t you guys supposed to be out bothering motorists or something?”

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” Damn straight, it’s getting like hardened gangs can’t go about their burgling sprees these days.

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” It’s nearly as unfair as checking for guns at the airport. / It’s nearly as bad as sniffer dogs, customs searches, and checking your bags for weapons at the airport.

The idea is that the police will catch the suspects on film in the middle of a burglary! Rather than, say, arresting them.

What do you call a British policeman with a camera on his head? A triplod.

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