Nagging Car (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

Audi are introducing a new feature to their cars – tips on how to save fuel. Tips include the best gear to be in, not putting your foot on the clutch too early, and avoiding smashing in the annoying bloody dashboard.

Unfortunately the power expended in the fuel-saving tips does tend to negate any gains made.

Unfortunately for Audi, the car tends to alert the driver to sell it and buy a hybrid. / Prius.

Though there are still some bugs to be ironed out, as the car frequently alerts you to sell it and catch the train.

Because there’s nothing a driver wants more than someone telling them which gear they should be in, how hard to press the accelerator, and when they’re using too much air conditioning.

But do we really need a machine that can tell us which gear we should be in, how hard to press the accelerator, and when we’re using too much air conditioning? We have mother-in-laws for that. / girlfriends for that.

Just what you need – an annoying back seat driver you can’t tell to get the hell out and walk.

It’ll be just like Knight Rider, only totally uncool. / only really really annoying. / without any of the benefits.

Unfortunately, the device will actually result in more dangerous driving, as people drive with one hand, desperately searching with the other for an off switch.

And if you crash it – boy what a telling off you’ll get.

A great way to save energy is to turn off the bloody machine.

It’s actually going to save a massive amount of energy: when people get so sick of their cars’ endless nagging, they’ll just get out and walk. / start catching the train more. / just stop using their cars.

Or you could get the cheaper model, where a greenie sits in the passenger seat and earbashes you. / tells you you should have taken the train.

It sure is more efficient than designing a more efficient car.

Of course the cars inevitably advise you that the best way to cut your greenhouse emissions is to wrap them around a tree. Tragic.

So now we’re getting lectured about greenhouse emissions by a car? What a hypocrite.

Of course, being lectured about greenhouse emissions by a car is kinda like being lectured about the wonders of pulp-milling by Peter Garrett. Oh. I see.

Of course, being lectured about greenhouse emissions by a car is kinda like being lectured about respect for property by Godzilla.

Great idea! And perhaps rather than replacing coal-fuelled power stations, we can adapt them to ask you to turn off the lights.

You can tell your car has a virus when it keeps saying “Go on – GUN IT!”

There’s also a version of the talking car designed for hoons – it just says “Go on – GUN IT!”

And if you’re already using the right gear, using the accelerator and clutch correctly and otherwise driving at optimum efficiency, the technology just quietly cries to itself.

The company is planning on selling several thousand of the cars in Europe, another couple of thousand in Japan, and 3 in the USA. (Gore says he’s sure he’ll find someone to sell the other two to.)

The cars really do want you to cut down on greenhouse emissions. They’re sick of carrying the can. / taking all the blame.

After taking all the blame for carbon emissions, cars are eager to dish it out for once. / to do some blaming. / to point the finger.

What’s worst is when it gets into an argument with your GPS.

After all, it’s not cars that pollute the world – it’s our dependence on using them. That’s right. We are the true criminals here. Uhuh. Yep. Not the cars at all. Mmm.

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