Archive for February, 2009

Clowns, Losers, Screwballs and Halfwits (Good News Week 23/2/09: monologue)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Liberal MP Mal Washer said that freezing MPs’ salaries was “crazy”, and that without proper pay, there was a risk only “clowns”, “losers”, “screwballs” and “halfwits” would want to enter politics. As opposed to reasonable, literate people like Mal Washer. / Because of course at the moment they accept nothing but certified geniuses. (humorous pictures […]

Whiny Rich Bitch Club (Good News Week 23/2/09: monologue)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The global financial crisis is taking its toll on the partners of financial workers. In America there are a growing number of Wall Street Widows, but it’s even worse here in Australia where stockbrokers have been forced to place their children in All Ordinaries Orphanages. Unfortunately this time around, financial workers have found that once […]

Gold medal recession (Good News Week 23/2/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The study by the Australian Olympic Committee, strongly recommends an 80 to 100 million dollars extra per year. For Australian Olympians. Now there’s a surprise. / Well, I wouldn’t have expected them to ask for less. / But they’ll make do with a billion. / Now that’s impartial. An Australian Olympic Committee study says that […]

Doctor Fish (Good News Week 23/2/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Health spas worldwide are embracing a trend for filling pools with flesh-eating Kangal fish, which feed off dead skin and let the healthy cells grow, making them great for treating skin diseases. And for more serious medical conditions, they bring out the squid-surgeon. / the sawfish. The perfect solution if you’re suffering from white-bait. / […]

Serf Emancipation Day (Good News Week 23/2/09: Up-cut)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The Chinese government has now declared that March 28th will be a day for Tibetans to celebrate! It’s the day the Dalai Lama’s Tibetan rebellion was finally crushed by the Chinese military 50 years ago. Hooray! Those Chinese – they’re just so inscrutable. Good news for Tibetans! China has declared March 28 “Serf Emancipation Day” […]

Doof-free trains (Good News Week 23/2/09: Up-cut)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The West Australian Public Transport Authority is campaigning against inconsiderate commuters listening to loud music or speaking loudly on mobile phones. Huh. I don’t see them turning down the volume of their trains. Are these passengers really being inconsiderate? Or just trying to be audible? So far the campaign has met with little success, as […]

Chips smell like ironing boards (Good News Week 23/2/09: Limericks)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

London scientists have identified the scents that make up the smell of chips – aromas including butterscotch, cocoa, onion, cheese, flowers and, get this, ironing boards. And here I was thinking they smelt of salt and grease. Chips smell like ironing boards. Well, ironing boards covered in grease and salt. I think the research is […]

Spider-bot (Good News Week 23/2/09: Limericks)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

A new robotic security guard has been unveiled that can sense an intruder and launch a web to capture them. And then, it rolls up to its captive and feasts on the warm innards before injecting the corpse with its eggs. The robot’s fantastic – not only can it disable burglars and vandals, but it’s […]

99 to life (Good News Week 23/2/09: Buzzers of Death)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

In Beijing, a 99 year old man is facing trial accused of swindling $170,000 from an American academic. He could receive a life sentence, or up to 6 months if the jury’s harsh. He pleaded incontinent. Frankly, if you’ve lived to 99, why not see your time out in jail. Something new. He may get […]

Stinkfoot (Good News Week 23/2/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

After a 10 year legal battle, a Dutch philosophy student has won the right to study at a Rotterdam University despite his foot odour. The judge finally upheld the student’s appeal just to get him out of the damn court. The university didn’t expect to win – they just wanted him out of the classroom […]

Is That A Wallet In Your Pocket? (Good News Week 23/2/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Newcastle scientists have just released a report claiming that women have more and better orgasms if their partner has more money. The boffins have also hastened to add that scientists ain’t paid peanuts, baby. British psychologists have found a correlation between the frequency of women’s orgasms and the size of their partner’s income. And that’s […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 23/2/09: closing)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Tues, Feb. 24 Tuesday is Business Clean Up Australia Day, which is fair enough, as it’s them who fucked it up in the first place. Tuesday is National Pancake Day! Mick Dodson’s cool with that one. Delicious. The unveiling of the Queen Mother memorial tomorrow will go horribly wrong when someone calls the Queen a […]

And the big news? (Good News Week 16/2/09: monologue)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

It was the first anniversary of the apology to the Stolen Generations. Though since then, nothing really practical has changed for indigenous people. (shrug / look guilty) …Sorry! It was the first anniversary of the apology to the Stolen Generations. I’m so glad everyone’s living in peace, harmony and equality now. / I’m so glad […]

Debtaration Y (Good News Week 16/2/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

According to a BankWest study, 29% of under-30s are financially unfit, 64% are borderline, and just 7% are deemed financially fit. That’s what happens when you put all your money in shares, housing or savings. According to a BankWest study, 29% of under-30s are financially unfit, 64% are borderline, and just 7% are deemed financially […]

PopeTube (Good News Week 16/2/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

So the Pope’s on YouTube. LOL. / I’m Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Arse Off. The Pope’s on Youtube! At last a virtual home for your virtual God! The Vatican have set up their own YouTube channel, though so far it’s mostly being used as a marketing tool for the iPope. His Holiness is […]

Human dumbbells (Good News Week 16/2/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

A London gym has begun employing what they call “human dumbbells”, people who sit on adapted gym machines so lifters can visualise what they’re lifting. The main problem is that the job of “dumbbell” doesn’t really add much to your CV. Of course, they don’t want to be called “dumbells”. They prefer “weight elevation technical […]

Granny Doesn’t Drive (Good News Week 16/2/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

A South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test for the 771st time. She’s going to keep trying – after all she’s bound to be better the older she gets. By the time she gets her license, she’s going to be too old to drive. She only wants her license so she can drive to […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 16/2/09: closing)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Tues, Feb. 17 Tomorrow in Sydney, Federal Cabinet meets the public! Well, when they say “public”, you do have to be the CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation. Or a movie star. On Tuesday, Federal Cabinet meets the public in Sydney. It’s like meeting your favourite celebrities, except that you’d hate them, if you actually […]

What the news did on our holidays (Good News Week 9/2/09: monologue)

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

It’s been a typical Aussie summer so far, full of rolling blackouts, melting railways, sharks, spiders, snakes, crocs, jellyfish & foreigners winning the tennis. Only this summer, they won the cricket as well. Oh well. There’s always getting drunk. As Melbourne suffered their worst heatwave in history, their train system completely melted down, causing thousands […]

No more living in harmony (Good News Week 9/2/09: What’s The Story?)

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

The Federal Government has announced a tougher anti-racism program to replace the decade-old Living in Harmony program. The new program will be given the more accurate title of Living with Bigotry. / Tolerating Bigotry. / Intolerance of Intolerance. The Living in Harmony day made people feel either that it was either an unrealistic goal, or […]