Archive for November, 2009

Eat Pets for Planet (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

The true eco-menace has been revealed – cats and dogs.  A pet dog has an eco-pawprint double that of the average Land Cruiser.  And you don’t have to pick up a Land Cruiser’s droppings. Of course, this idea isn’t new.  You’d already know that dogs are toxic if you’ve ever smelt one fart. But dogs […]

FBI for Kids! (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

The FBI have introduced a page on their website for kids!  Unfortunately it’s not a secure site. I guess catching bin Laden was getting a bit hard.  But at least now they can colour him in! You can learn about how the FBI works, how they take evidence, and all sorts of exciting things about […]

Cash-strapped terror (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  Aren’t we all. / If only we weren’t facing one at the same time. / Which is lucky, otherwise with the West’s financial crisis we wouldn’t stand a chance. The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.  So now they’re ALL living in […]

Olympic Doom (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

The Australian Olympic Committee has expressed frustration at the delay in response to its huge additional funding request.  If they were in charge, it would be swifter, higher, richer! If an Olympics were held this year, Australia would slip to seventh on the medal tally.  Seventh!  We may as well just swallow hemlock. / We […]

Hotel in Spaaaaace (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Hooray!  In just three years we could all be staying at a new luxury resort – in space!  Well, I say luxury, but you still have to have your lobster thermidor sucked through a straw. The Galactic Space Suite Resort will cost $4.4 million for a three-night stay.  And you’ll have to tip the valet […]

No Fuglies (GNW 16/11/09: Survey Says)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

A dating website is rejecting almost 80% of applicants because they aren’t deemed attractive enough.  At last, a dating site that is superficial on your behalf! The site’s been called “superficial” by critics, who are undoubtedly ugly. / especially those who’ve been rejected. So there you go.  Even beautiful people are turning into nerds. The […]

Marked Crims (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

In Chicago, a pair of would-be burglars apprehended by police were found to have disguised their faces with a black permanent marker.  They were marked bandits. That permanent marker is going on their permanent records. / This is going on their permanent record, in permanent texta. The pair refused to wear stockings over their heads. […]

Drunk Hedgehog (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

A hedgehog has been found rolling around in an orchard, squealing loudly, after getting drunk on fermented apples.  Looks like he went the whole hog. If you’ve ever been drunk and covered in spines, you’ll know what the problem is. A team of animal rescuers saved the hedgehog, despite its drunken pleas. / drunken pleas […]

Good Next Week (GNW 16/11/09: closing)

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Tuesday, November 17 Beijing will host the Digital Media Awards on Tuesday, with winner for Most Unbiased Media going to China – again! Beijing will host the Digital Media Awards tomorrow.  The Olympic stadium will be perhaps wasted on the single wi-fi connected nerd running the thing. The Bureau of Statistics will release the population […]

Horror Tourists (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

A Queensland researcher has suggested potential tourists to Australia may be being put off by recent local horror movies like “Wolf Creek”, “Dying Breed” and “The Hey Hey Reunion”. Aussie horror films frequently count among their victims foreigners, backpackers, or outsiders. It’s about time these tourists got the message. At last – the perfect way […]

MP Sin-Bin (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Queensland MPs who misbehave now face up to an hour in the “sin bin”. Sounds like their wettest dreams come true. I always thought the “sin-bin” was where they stashed the coke when Kevin walks in. I preferred it in the old days, when you could give politicians the cane. / Pah – I wanna […]

Graffitea (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

The NSW Government is considering a plan to sentence graffiti vandals to community service with senior citizens. Ah yes, forcing teenagers and pensioners to speak – that make should everyone happy. Jail time doesn’t seem to work, so they’re hoping instead a few hours in the company of dementia-riddled seniors will crush their spirits. They’re […]

Aussie Willy (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Prince William’s coming to Australia, for the first time in his adult life. I guess this time we won’t have to worry about making sure we have extra nappies. Shame it wasn’t Harry – we could’ve just had a massive pissup. Prince William is coming! Time for all you pampered princesses out there to get […]

Shocking Rudd (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Kevin Rudd picked the winner of the Melbourne Cup, Shocking. Rudd hasn’t been that thrilled since he was given the right meal on the plane. So clearly if he’s tipped us to triumph in Afghanistan, we’re going to damn well triumph in Afghanistan! Rudd was flabbergasted. He had just been explaining that he was shocking […]

Telstra stops making you pay to pay (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Telstra had introduced a $2.20 fee for paying bills at the post office, but scrapped it after being told it was unfair and cruel. So they now have introduced a “cruelty fee” instead. You know, so it’s all above board. Telstra had introduced a $2.20 fee for paying bills at the post office, but scrapped […]

Octo-Mel (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Mel Gibson’s new fiancée has given birth to his eighth child, which Gibson has already said makes him “Octo-Mel”. Yes, Octo-Mel, spreading his childish tentacles out into the world to capture Jews! He ended up with a baby girl. So this one’s not the messiah – maybe next time. He really wanted to father the […]

Oil stops burning (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

The oil leak and fireball at the West Atlas drill rig has been stopped, 10 weeks after it started in the Timor Sea. But government sources say it’ll require some more permanent work before we can settle Sri Lankan refugees there. The government wasn’t that pleased that the fire was stopped, as it took away […]

Obamaversary (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

It’s a year since the election of Barack Obama. What a disappointment – America voted for change, and yet he’s still there! Well, he was elected on a platform of “Hope”. And the moment you do something, it crushes the hope right out of it. Well, he was elected on a platform of “Hope”. As […]

Chinese Disney (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Disney has won approval to construct a Disneyland-style theme park in Shanghai. There have been some minor changes. For instance, Mickey has been renamed Puny Western Mouse. All the classic Disney icons will still be there, but in slightly different forms. For instance, Mickey is a member of the government, Donald is in the military, […]

Expensive Mime (GNW 9/11/09: Warren)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. She’ll be doing all her hits, like “Oops!… I’m Walking Against The Wind” and “If You Seek The Exit To This Glass Box That Would Be Very Helpful”. People don’t mind seeing her mime. In fact, one of the chief attractions of […]