Archive for June, 2008

Canberra bans fireworks (Good News Week 23/6/08: monologue)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

The ACT government is considering banning fireworks. What? Next they’ll be banning X-rated porn and illicit drugs! It’s unCanberrian! Lucky they’re not banning drugs and porn, or our politicians would have nothing to do! From now on, fireworks in Canberra will be restricted to Question Time. It’s not a good idea to take away our […]

Six feet severed (Good News Week 23/6/08: monologue)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

In Canada, the case of the mysterious severed feet in sneakers just keeps getting stranger. Now the total comes to six feet, or, in Australian, just about 2 metres. The feet keep washing up on Canadian shores. We’ve previously told you of three right feet that had been found on island beaches. Well since then […]

Botox on the run(Good News Week 23/6/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

A chain of Aussie hair salons is set to offer walk-in, walk-out Botox treatments. So now there’s no more worries about your new haircut revealing unsightly wrinkles! The walk-in botox surgery will be great for people looking for instant beautification, as well as those just desperately in need of muscular paralysis. Fantastic! Now you can […]

Australia to promote Australia (Good News Week 23/6/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Aussie tourism leaders are hoping the new Baz Luhrmann film Australia will attract tourists to our shores in a similar way that the Lord of the Rings trilogy did to New Zealand. They’re CGI-ing in a couple of hobbits just to make sure. Sure, Lord of the Rings showed off New Zealand’s snowy mountain ranges, […]

WorkNoChoices (Good News Week 23/6/08: Bites)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Kevin Rudd has enshrined ten minimum workplace conditions in place of the WorkChoices legislation. At long last, what we all voted for: WorkNoChoices! / NoChoices! / WorkChoiceless! Rudd refused to say where his ten “workplace commandments” had come from, but the CFMEU apparently had hired a chiseller. Rudd refused to say where his ten “workplace […]

An all-new Senate (Good News Week 23/6/08: Bites)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

This week sees the swearing in of the new Senate. The Coalition will lose their Senate majority, the Democrats will lose everything and the balance of power will be held by the Greens, Family First and anti-pokie crusader Nick Xenophon. So while the Government won’t necessarily need Coalition approval now, they will instead need to […]

Cut-out cops (Good News Week 23/6/08: Upcut)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Police in Vancouver are using cardboard replicas of traffic cops pointing radar guns to try to reduce speeding. And if they catch you speeding, they’ll issue you with a ticket – but don’t worry, it’s only a paper one. They look just like real cops, and have better personalities. They look just like real cops, […]

Kosher Giraffes (Good News Week 23/6/08: Animal magnetism)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

An Israeli rabbi has declared giraffe to be kosher. He was forced to after a day at the zoo when he just couldn’t help himself. An Israeli rabbi has declared giraffe to be kosher. He had to explain all the giraffe-skeletons somehow… Giraffes are Kosher. And delicious. Lucky – you know blintzes are actually mainly […]

The Pelvic Haka (Good News Week 23/6/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Men are being recommended to do pelvic floor exercises to cure impotence. And women are recommended to do them along with the men just in case they cure to the point of conception. The idea is ludicrous. There’s no way men are going to do something called “exercise” when they could just pop a pill. […]

Warning: Useless Terrorism Alert! (Good News Week 16/6/08: monologue)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

The Australian government is considering changing its terror alert system to one which is specific to particular locations or industries. High-risk industries for terrorism might include transport and politics, and low-risk industries include latex wholesalers, worm-farms and terrorist training schools. / aged care, garbage collection and pig farming. The terrorism alert level has been set […]

Rudd’s Razor (Good News Week 16/6/08: monologue)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

The Government continues to ask the public for any ideas on where they should cut funding. I’m thinking we cut a bit more from Government wages, seeing as we’re doing all the work! They’re calling on voters to get involved in the decision-making. Of course, you don’t get paid. And you don’t get to sit […]

Ancient Aussie fish sex (Good News Week 16/6/08: What’s the Story)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Well waddya know. Australia is proud home to the earliest known animal that had sex, a 375 million year old shark-like creature. That’s right, ancient Aussie fish were makin’ whoopee. Although, underwater, it’s more like “whblooblpeebl”. The 375 million year old fossil shows a fish with an embryo and umbilical cord attached. Not only does […]

Popeyguard (Good News Week 16/6/08: What’s the Story)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

The Pope’s chief bodyguard has been in Sydney, checking out sites for the Pope’s World Youth Day appearances. The Pope needs a bodyguard – it’s not like he can rely on protection from God. He’s the only bodyguard with an earpiece to God. He prays by earpiece. He’s head of an organisation of burly gents […]

Drip-me-up (Good News Week 16/6/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Hungover Japanese workers are turning to an intravenous drip to get them through the workday. It costs as little as 20 bucks for an intravenous pick-me-up, and in fact it’s also the cheapest way to get drunk the night before. Nothing says “hard worker” better than trackmarks. / bruised veins. The Japanese are famous for […]

Suicide Mamas (Good News Week 16/6/08: Blow up your pants)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Islamic women are demanding equal opportunities to become suicide bombers and terrorists, after an al-Qaida leader said they should focus on being housewives. As one said, “If I have to do another load of washing, I’m going to explode!” Osama bin Laden’s right-hand man Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the wives of al-Qaida terrorists, but said their […]

Clone hair (Good News Week 16/6/08: The Usual Suspects)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

A British research team has discovered a way to overcome baldness by cloning your remaining hair. The technique can also be used to raise a hair army should you have need of one. Now that’s a hair-raising scheme. Their first subject worked wonderfully – he came to a small amount of fame starring on the […]

Flash Gordon Brown (Good News Week 16/6/08: The Usual Suspects)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Embattled British PM Grodon Brown is being remade as a Marvel comic book hero! Look up in the sky? Is it a lame duck? Is it a plain old politician? No, it’s SoonToBeSackedMan! With a name like Gordon Brown, excitement is sure to be just around the corner! / how could he not be a […]

Corpses on a plane (Good News Week 16/6/08: Strange But True)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

A leading Australian aviation medicine specialist researching what to do with people who die onboard has recommended strapping them in, putting an eye mask over their eyes, earphones on their head and a blanket on them and leaving them to it. Unless it’s the pilot. A leading Australian aviation medicine specialist says that people who […]

I’m in love with my car (Good News Week 16/6/08: Strange But True)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

A new American documentary sheds light on over 500 people who like to have sex with cars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – so long as the car is consenting. Not surprisingly, techniques vary widely. Some like to use the exhaust pipe, some the petrol cap, while others aren’t satisfied with anything less […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 16/6/08: closing)

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Tues, June 17 The organisers of Brisbane Institute’s “Does Money = Happiness?” lecture will be said to be very happy with their takings. The “Does Money = Happiness?” lecture at the Brisbane Institute will kick off with a paper on “Famous Stockbroker Suicides”. / a paper called “‘The Great Depression’ Was Actually Heaps Of Fun.” […]