Archive for June, 2009

Osama balls (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

What’s the biggest snack food in Afghanistan these days? Super Osama bin Laden Kulfa Balls. That’s right, we may not be able to find Osama, but at least we can find his balls. Not only are they delicious, but they may have even masterminded the attacks on 7/11. They really explode in your mouth! They’ve […]

Navratagrunty (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Martina Navratilova has called for a ban on tennis-related grunting. Not only does she want to ban the grunt, but the screech, the whinny, the quack, and the plop. She claims the noise is “cheating”, as it distracts the player from their game. And as far as I’m concerned, they should ban those short skirts […]

Earth Speaks (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

The organisation Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence has launched a project called Earth Speaks that has asked for suggestions for mankind’s first words to aliens. What about “We’re here for the taking.” “Please bring a plate.” “RSVP before apocalypse.” “Is this thing on?” “Please, when you arrive, can you take Michael Jackson back to his homeworld?” […]

Local Gitmo (GNW 22/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

The council of Hardin, a small town in Montana, has unanimously agreed to volunteer the town prison as the new Guantanamo Bay. Well, if you think about it, it’s actually probably the best way of ensuring that you DON’T fall victim to terrorist attack. It’s for their own security. You might notice there haven’t been […]

This Thing Shits All Over Wii (GNW 22/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Microsoft are developing a game console which can be played completely hands-free, which makes a change from the current brain-free models. With the new device, you can interact with a young boy called Milo, without it being called “grooming”. / without attracting the attention of the authorities. The controller, codenamed “Natal” can provide the realistic […]

Bothering burglars (GNW 22/6/09: News For The Backward)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

British police who suspected a gang of burglars were about to embark on a spree wrote them a letter warning that they’d be watched, and then followed them day and night for a week wearing cameras in their hats. Smile! You’re on Candid Copper! Ah, writing letters and wearing cameras in your hats. That’s what […]

Bonus questions on royals and quilts (GNW 22/6/09: Magazine Mastermind)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Majesty And the bonus question: What revolutionary technique are the Royal family testing out to create green energy? Answer: They are going to try harnessing wind power using only Charlie’s ears. And Camilla’s wind. And the bonus question was: What is the Royal Family’s motto? Answer: “Do or Di”. And the bonus question was: What […]

Dob-in-a-bikie (GNW 22/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

West Australian police have launched an advertising campaign to get citizens to “phone in a bikie”. It’s a great idea. The person you’re dobbing in is either an innocent person who just happens to ride a motorbike, or a violent criminal with a history of aggressive and unrelenting revenge. Do it, you’ll be fine. Because […]

Here, sharky-sharky-shark (GNW 22/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Sharks at British aquariums are being trained to feed from keepers and even roll over and have their tummies tickled. Aww! If you’re lucky, you can feel the remains of the last shark-keeper that tried that trick. The plan is to make the sharks so well trained that they’ll happily jump in the batter themselves. […]

Good Next Week (GNW 22/6/09: closing)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Tuesday, June 23 Tomorrow’s “Australian Social Worker Of The Year” awards will be announced in Perth. I guess they need the help. Tomorrow, the Australian Social Worker Of The Year awards will be announced. The TV rights are still available. / The action all begins on the threadbare carpet! / The perfect opportunity to wear […]

Cruise-Controlling Australia (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Tom Cruise is embarking on a recruitment drive for Australian Scientologists while spending four months in Melbourne. Doesn’t he know? In this country, we’d rather have a lamb roast. But when Tom is mentally manipulating people into joining Scientology, it’s not called “brainwashing”. It’s called “Cruise Control”. Cruise is hoping to dispel myths that Scientology […]

Lick Bond’s Icy Pole (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

In Britain, an icy pole has been released in the shape of James Bond star Daniel Craig’s torso. Evil villains can at last give 007 a proper licking. “So, Mr Bond, you are helpless. Even if I decide not to bite off your head, you will still melt while out of the freezer. You will […]

Octomum the Series (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Nadya Suleman, known as Octomum after giving birth to octuplets in January, has agreed to star in a reality TV show about her life. And for the second series, maybe she can have another fourteen kids. No US network has yet bought the series. Unfortunately, with fourteen children, they’re afraid the average viewer won’t be […]

Government Cures Obesity (GNW 15/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

A Parliamentary committee has recommended that obese Australians should be given free lap-band surgery to reduce their ongoing burden on the health system. Either that or a fatal injection. Well, the Government keeps telling us we have to tighten our belt. (Or, indeed, gastric band.) I guess when Ruddy tells us we’ve got to tighten […]

Tickle My Primate (GNW 15/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Scientists have found primate laughter patterns mirror the evolutionary tree, after studying the laughs of gorillas, chimpanzees, orang-utans and bonobos by tickling and playing little games with them. Although it appears someone had already stolen their nose. Scientists also tried spanking the monkeys, but that was after-hours. / only on the weekend. Intelligent design proponents […]

Saucy Rudd (GNW 15/6/09: A Thousand Words)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Kevin Rudd has responded to criticism that his ministry is too male by twice saying “fair shake of the sauce bottle”, and then used the phrase again in response to a question on economic data. Who knew Kev was so saucy? Kevin Rudd has responded to criticism that his ministry is too blokey by saying […]

Dog survives shark frenzy (GNW 15/6/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

A dog is a lucky survivor after attacking a pack of bronze whaler sharks in the middle of a feeding frenzy. But really, look at him, he’s all skin and bone. The sharks were acting a bit jumpy. In fact, they were so jumpy you could carve them. Ah, sharks. So chumpy you can carve […]

Cyanide Implant (GNW 15/6/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

The German Patent Office is refusing to patent a Saudi invention of a GPS transceiver that could be implanted under the skin, allowing people to be tracked, and, in the advanced model, killed remotely. It’s like a take-away Auschwitz. Fantastic! Finally, a future where we can all be one computer malfunction away from a grisly […]

Papal Ads (GNW 15/6/09: Strange But True)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Vatican Radio is going to run commercials for the first time in its 78-year history. They would have done it sooner, but approval from the boss takes bloody ages to come through. Previously the only jingles allowed were of rosary beads. / were on the popular “Rosary Bead Hour”. “Radio P.O.P.E – ALL Latin, ALL […]

Deserted Island No-smoking (GNW 15/6/09: Strange But True)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

A 56-year-old retired banker has found a novel way of giving up his 43 year 30 cigarette-per-day habit, by marooning himself for a month on an uninhabited Scottish island. Yeah, that should provide plenty of distraction from his withdrawal. He hopes that one month on the island will lead to many extra years of life […]