Archive for October, 2009

Asylum play (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

There’s a deadly civil war in Sri Lanka, so what do we send over? Food? No. Medical supplies? No. We send them street theatre. And if you’ve ever seen any street theatre, you’ll know exactly why it deters people. Of course, it’s not the street theatre’s message that keeps them away – more the quality […]

Eaten out of house and planet (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over the entirety of human history. And it will read a million times as many emails! In the next 50 years, the world’s population will eat as much food as it has consumed so far over […]

Wailing whalers (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Japan’s new left wing government has already begun overhauling the country’s whaling policies – by asking for Australia to help prevent the violent attacks. On the WHALERS! The Japanese government argues that, as there really aren’t that many countries left that practice whaling, they’re actually an endangered species. / they’re actually an endangered species and […]

Holden Cop Car (GNW 19/10/09: What’s The Story?)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Holden have converted their old Statesman design into a purpose-built police car for the United States. You can easily spot them by their fluffy lights. / fuzzy lights. Not only are American cops going to be driving Holdens, but they’ll be trained in the correct way to perform burnouts and doughies. The car will be […]

Robot Locusts (GNW 19/10/09: What’s The Story?)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Defence engineers are excited about a future technology they hope will find people lost in disaster zones – robot locusts! Just unleash a plague and watch the missing come running! All the swarming destruction of locusts, combined with the emotionless power of robots! What could go wrong? / Sure, you laugh now… Of course, making […]

Nooh Pew (GNW 19/10/09: 3 1/2 Corners)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

There’s a new Winnie the Pooh book! “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood” contains all your favourite characters! Except that Milne one. / Except the one that made them all up. Isn’t it funny How a book makes money? Cash cash cash I wonder where it’s stashed? Isn’t it funny How a book makes money? […]

Sweet Criminals (GNW 19/10/09: Up-cut)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. The good news is that rather than lengthy prison sentences, the best deterrent to reoffending is two bucks of mixed at the milk bar. British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent […]

The Queen’s Queens (GNW 19/10/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

The hunt is on for new guards at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Balmoral, particularly from applicants who are women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, black or minority ethnic. Just another sign that that hippie Charles is seizing power by stealth. The new gay Royal Guardsmen will be known as the Queen’s Queens. Because you need […]

Munchkinland (GNW 19/10/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Chinese dwarfs have set up their own village to escape discrimination. Or, in fact, to impose discrimination. The 120 villagers in the mountain commune of Kunming are all under 129cm tall. Apart from their mighty leader, Snow White. The villagers have turned themselves into a tourist attraction by building mushroom houses and living and dressing […]

Good Next Week (GNW 19/10/09: closing)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Tuesday, October 20 Federal parliament resumes, with the ETS top of the agenda, unless something else comes along in the meantime that they can kick Turnbull with. Dannii Minogue will turn 38, and send Kylie a card saying “Still no cancer!” Dannii Minogue will turn 38! But I’d still flip her over and bone her. […]

Ruddy War-Room (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Kevin Rudd’s getting himself a hi-tech war-room! The 34.9 million dollar room will feature up-to-date intelligence, communications, mapping technology, and a direct line to Obama’s phone, so he has someone who can tell him what to do. / someone to listen to his panicked sobbing. Kevin Rudd has installed a hi-tech “war room” close by […]

Canberra Witches (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Canberra Witches! They’re like regular witches, but cold, grey and boring! / but way more bureaucratic. / but only cast spells a few months a year. After the discovery of a blood-spattered concrete slab at Mt Ainslie, Catch the Fire Ministries pastor Danny Nalliah has called for spiritual warfare against Canberra witches. Whoever wins, Canberra […]

Aussie Men World’s 7th Best Rootrats (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

According to a new survey, Spanish men are the best in bed. Well, there’s nothing else to do there. / Well, no wonder – the bastards get a siesta. Australian blokes came 7th. Which is preferable to coming first. I’m glad we’re only 7th. It’s just rude to come first. In a survey of women’s […]

Bush’s reject wins Nobel (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Australian molecular biologist Dr Elizabeth Blackburn has won the Nobel prize for medicine for her study of chromosome-protecting enzymes in cells. “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi! Chromosome-protecting… enzymes…” She has won the Nobel prize for Discoverer of the Most Chromosome-Protecting Enzymes. Believe it or not, she was the only nominee. Dr Blackburn was dropped […]

Old athletes on drugs (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

The World Masters Games in Sydney are weighing up the difficult decision of what drugs can be permissible, to ensure, in the words of one games consultant, that athletes aren’t “carking out on us”. Yeah, carking out athletes are such a pain to administrate. Games consultant Nicki Vance said “We don’t want people carking out […]

North Korea’s bacteria (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-il told Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao that they might be ready to return to six-party talks if progress is made on bilateral talks with Washington. He REALLY wants to meet Obama. / He just really wants to get Obama’s autograph. The South Korean government says the North has cholera, yellow fever, […]

Libs tonsil Hockey (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

The Liberal Party are looking to ditch Malcolm Turnbull and install Joe Hockey as their leader, as part of their committed policy of “everyone gets a go”. With the Liberals in disarray over what to do about the emissions trading scheme, they’re going to replace Malcolm with Joe, someone who essentially believes exactly what Malcolm […]

The Hey Hey Minstrels star in “Niggerama” (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

The Hey Hey Reunion is in hot water over a Red Faces skit featuring a blackfaced Jackson Five impersonation. But that’s the great thing about Hey Hey, it takes us all back to a time before political correctness, sensitivity and brains. It’s appalling. Michael was never THAT black. Who’d think that in this day and […]

Aussies have the best interest rates (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. Another 16 rate rises and we’ll be fully recovered! Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. We don’t care if it’s good or bad – we just wanna be first. […]

Pirates vs French navy (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Somali pirates on two lightweight skiffs in the Indian Ocean stormed the French navy’s 18,000 tonne flagship. They’d obviously heard about the French navy’s fighting abilities. Somali pirates on two lightweight skiffs in the Indian Ocean stormed what they thought was a cargo vessel, only to discover it was the French navy’s 18,000 tonne flagship. […]