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Good News Week

That was a year, it was (GNW 23/11/09: monologue)

It was all happening in our quiet little corner of the world.    Dictatorship in Fiji, anti-govt riots in Thailand, terrorist training camps in Indonesia, recession in Japan, missile tests in North Korea, a new cold war between China & the U.S., & right next to it all… us!  The Indian-bashing, Sri Lankan-drowning, gollywog-impersonating good guys. […]

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Good News Week

U.N. Rudd (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes an historic address at the U.N. General Assembly, an hour late to an empty room.  It was Kevin’s big moment & no-one was there.  Apart from a few New Zealanders making sheep noises. / doing armpit raspberries. The U.N. Assembly members were also upset at the delay.  If Rudd had’ve […]

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Good News Week

Balloon Boy (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents of the hoax “balloon boy” Falcon Heene, will plead guilty to charges of making false reports and attempting to influence a public official.  Falcon has agreed to drop charges of false imprisonment and psychological abuse. The balloon boy story gripped America for several hours with people so swept away […]

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Good News Week

Ned Skully (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

A farmer has produced a skull he claims to be that of Ned Kelly.  He refused to tell authorities where he got the skull, but if they pay up, he’ll give them Phar Lap and Bradman too. Wow!  If this really is Ned Kelly’s skull, it will prove once and for all that he truly […]

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Good News Week

Kids Off The Booze (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

The Australian Drug Foundation has called for new penalties for adults found to be supplying drinks to boozing adolescents.  Any adult giving a teen more than two standard drinks will be grounded. The ADF says one in three teenagers are binge-drinking at “harmful levels”, since that is, of course, the whole point. The ADF says […]

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Good News Week

Ute-gate (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who took a nothing story about Kevin Rudd’s old rust-bucket & turned it into… Ute-gate!  Unfortunately Malcolm didn’t know quite enough about utes and got walloped by Tail-gate. And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who […]

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Good News Week

Bikies (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

It’s been a tough year for the poor old bikies.  One moment of alleged unpleasantness at Sydney Airport, and suddenly it’s assumed they’re all violent, vengeful thugs.  Whereas they insist they’re simply violent, vengeful citizens. Bikies insist that they are not the problem.  There are just too many bollards around.  (And who can resist that […]

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Good News Week

Hoyono? You know. (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

Australia’s relationship with Indonesia seems to be doomed, after Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono gives our PM not so much a wet fish handshake as an oceanic wiping. That’s what happens when one person wants to shake hands, and one wants to tickle palms. Not only was their handshake limp, but the lovemaking was really half-hearted. / […]

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Good News Week

Stupid Vampires (GNW 23/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

The Twilight phenomenon hit a new high last week with the release of the “New Moon” movie.  Across the world, young teen girls flocked into movie theatres to swoon over a 108-year-old with false teeth. / dental problems. All the goth kiddies want to be vampires.  They’re the only things that can wear capes without […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Entertainment

Clare Werbeloff, the “Chk Chk Boom” girl, for services to fat wogs, skinny wogs & their fully sick boys. Proof that modern journalists would rather talk to a pretty girl than CHECK THEIR FACTS. / DO ACTUAL JOURNALISM. Proof that modern journalists would rather be first with the news, than report what’s actually happening. After […]

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Good News Week

Punching Man (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  Unlike a regular punching bag, you can see the pain! A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  He was sick of getting the shit kicked out of him for free. He’s renting himself out as a […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Sport

Matthew Johns, the Cronulla Sharks, Paul Vautin & the NRL Footy Show, for services to team bonding; Of course Johns has borne the brunt for the group sex scandal, but you know what they say, it takes eight to gangbang.  Or nine, I mean, who was counting? And there’s no bond stronger than a whole […]

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Good News Week

Robo-rabbit-cock (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Scientists in an American laboratory have given rabbits artificial penises.  I guess they ran out of carrots. The scientists say that the artificial penises could one day result in a fully-functional replacement for having your penis chopped off by scientists. That’s a real pubic hare. Of course all it takes to grow penises in a […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Science

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on fat sucked from his patients called “lipo-diesel”. And he uses their love handles as shammies. Ah, fat people.  Is there anything we can’t do with their grotesque corpulence? And if he runs out of fat, he’ll use their juiced brains. It’s also great for […]

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Good News Week

Kick out Kiwis (GNW 23/11/09: A Thousand Words)

Government MP Kelvin Thomson has suggested Australia’s population growth is best tackled by cutting immigration from New Zealand.  That way no-one can accuse them of racism. Government MP Kelvin Thomson has suggested Australia’s population growth is best tackled by cutting unchecked immigration from New Zealand.  Because they’re certainly not asylum seekers – unless they’re just […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Politics

Kevin Rudd, for his $42 billion stimulus package.  A lot of people got Pink Batts they didn’t need, a lot of schools got buildings they didn’t need,a lot of Aboriginal people got nothing, & our childrengot a deficit they can pass on to their children. But hey, they can’t vote. Kevin is glad we avoided […]

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Good News Week

Sex amnesia (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

An American woman suddenly developed amnesia while having sex with her husband.  The woman, known only as Alice, hopes one day to remember her surname. Neurologists say sex-triggered amnesia is quite common, and usually develops after an orgasm.  Ladies – be careful what you wish for. She was taken to the hospital by her husband.  […]

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Good News Week

Papal Aliens (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

The Vatican is holding its first ever conference on alien life.  Apart from all the ones about the freaky floaty aliens from planet Heaven. Of course, alien life would make many of the stories in the bible finally make sense.  All those ‘angels’ and ‘heavenly spirits’ – they’re aliens.  And all those smitings – PEOW […]

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Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Religion

Pope Benedict the 16th & his pals at the Vatican, for posing this question on International Women’s Day: “In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of western women?”  And their answer?  The washing machine. After all, even emancipated women need nice clean undies. After all, if you’re going to burn your bra […]

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Good News Week

Poor Kyle (GNW 23/11/09: The Solid Gold Sauce Bottle)

It’s about time everyone laid off Kyle.  Talk about a persecuted minority!  (There’s only one of him!) How was he to know?  In his house, making light of underage rape is just a bit of innocent fun! He really just had no idea other people would think he was being offensive.   I mean, who DOESN’T […]