Archive for March, 2009

Obama Inc (Good News Week 9/3/09: monologue)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Obamamania has swept America, not just in terms of miles of merchandise, but also through corporations co-opting his image and slogans. Because change may have come to America, but not to the point where they’ll stop trading in tacky rip-offs. With the similarity of their logo to Obama’s, Pepsi co-opted slogans such as “Choose Change”, […]

All new Abu Ghraib (Good News Week 9/3/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Abu Ghraib prison has been given a makeover! At last the grim horror of prison life is torture-free! They’ve given it fresh paint, a new name, and they’ve even scrubbed the electrodes clean. / fed the dogs. They’ve renamed the prison, and given it a total makeover. They’re also going to put lipstick on the […]

Never-to-be-repeated-land (Good News Week 9/3/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Sad news: Michael Jackson’s auctioning off the entire contents of his ranch, Neverland. Or as it’s now known, Never-to-be-repeated-land. Jackson’s even selling his famous diamond-encrusted glove for $15,000. Though unfortunately if you want the other glove, Michael’s still not sure where he left it. (He thinks it’s the same place he left his face.) Now […]

Stand-up flights (Good News Week 9/3/09: News For The Backward)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

And now for some stand-up comedy. A survey of Australian aeroplane travellers has revealed that a small number are willing to stand for cheaper international flights. Which is good – there’s all that space on the wings that is going begging. As long as flights are cheaper, passengers are happy to have less. Some wanted […]

Aliens aren’t actually aliens (Good News Week 9/3/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

World-renowned cosmologist Professor Paul Davies has called for the search for aliens to focus on a new planet: Earth. Not what most of us would call aliens perhaps, but then Professor Davies is originally from Betelgeuse. / Mars. World-renowned cosmologist Professor Paul Davies has called for the search for aliens to focus on the planet […]

Dissolve-a-stiff (Good News Week 9/3/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

The funeral industry is looking at a new, environmentally-friendly way of method of disposing of cadavers, by chemically dissolving them. The process creates a dry bone residue, plus liquid remains which could be used as fertilizer. Alternatively, mix them together for a delicious soup. Unfortunately, in these days of water restrictions and drought, people will […]

Naked hiking (Good News Week 9/3/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

On-the-spot fines are now being issued to help stop a wave of Germans hiking naked in Switzerland. But then the Swiss Alps are notoriously balmy. It can get a bit cold in the Swiss Alps. So all the men hikers just claim shrinkage. And the women say the extreme cold keeps them perky. It was […]

Pet Psychic (Good News Week 9/3/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

A Romanian psychic has begun a service putting grieving pet owners in touch with their dead animals. What’s that Rover? “Woof”? / What’s that Kitty? “Meow”? One grieving pet owner say her communication was miraculous. “Meow” is just what Kitty used to say. If only she could communicate with animals that were still alive. Of […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 9/3/09: closing)

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Tues, March 10 Tomorrow, the inquiry into the 2008 Freedom of Information Bill will report, and that’s the last we’ll hear of that. The inquiry into the 2008 Freedom of Information Bill will report. Although they’re not telling anyone where… Tomorrow, the inquiry into the 2008 Freedom of Information Bill will report, and if you […]

And the big news? (Good News Week 2/3/09: monologue)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars, singing & dancing & sitting on the laps of older men. Still channelling the spirit of Peter Allen, I see. One critic said he performed like “a cheesy cruise-ship entertainer”. Which explains why everyone was throwing up – they were just seasick. Hugh Jackman copped a caning from US critics […]

Kid has Kid to Kid, or Potentially Other Kid (Good News Week 23/2/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

In Britain, a 13 year old boy and a 15 year old girl have become parents, giving rise to a panic about British morals. That sort of behaviour is only really acceptable by the royal family. A 14 year old and 16 year old boy have also claimed to have had sex with the new […]

Happycrats (Good News Week 2/3/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

The Department of Education, Employment and Workplace Relations has spent almost a million dollars for bureaucrats to attend happiness workshops. Because it’s practically a given that if you’re in that department, you’re going to need cheering up. Unfortunately some previously perfectly happy employees felt upset at being sent on the workshop. What were they doing […]

Turnbull and Costello agree on wording (Good News Week 2/3/09: A Thousand Words)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

The Liberal Party continuing to self-immolate. Malcolm Turnbull laid to rest the nature of Peter Costello’s leadership ambition. “Peter and I have discussed it and we agreed that what I would say, and the position would be, literally, that he has made it clear that he was not interested in a frontbench or leadership role… […]

Little Piggies (Good News Week 2/3/09: Animal Magnetism)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

A Scottish zoo has bred four miniature pigs small enough to be household pets. Perfect for rolling around in your indoor puddle. The miniature pigs make perfect pets, and such cute little bacon. Little piggies! The perfect pet for the toeless. The pigs are perfect as companions, pets, and lunch. Not only are the pigs […]

Just A Love Bite (Good News Week 2/3/09: Animal Magnetism)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Horny male funnel-web spiders are on the prowl, looking for women, and turning up in odd places. One 94-year-old got bitten by a funnel-web in her slipper – he was just trying on some sexy new sleepwear. One 94-year-old woman got bitten by a horny funnel-web in her slipper – he’d promised his girlfriend he […]

Lipo-diesel (Good News Week 2/3/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

A former Beverly Hills plastic surgeon is in trouble for fuelling his car with fat sucked from his patients. Or as he calls them, “bowsers”. A former Beverly Hills plastic surgeon is in trouble for fuelling his car with fat sucked from his patients. The strangest thing about the case is that he is actually […]

Indians are Drinking Cow Urine (Good News Week 2/3/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Unfortunately, it’s not as tasty as it sounds. India’s Hindu nationalist movement has created a new soft drink made from cow urine. I doubt it’ll be popular. I know if I drank cow urine, I’d want to get pissed. Unfortunately, the urine does not get you pissed. I mean, who hasn’t wished there was some […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 2/3/09: closing)

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Tues, March 03 The federal govt. will launch a bus driver recruitment scheme in Melbourne. They’re hoping to distract us from the trains. The New Media Summit in Sydney will take place tomorrow, presented in ice on the back of a beetle. If you can’t make it to Sydney for tomorrow’s New Media Summit, tough. […]