Archive for May, 2009

Cincinnati Superheroes (GNW 25/5/09: monologue)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

The streets of Cincinnati are being patrolled by an Allegiance of Heroes, costumed vigilantes who carry handcuffs, pepper spray and tasers. Since they don’t actually have any superpowers. The streets of Cincinnati are being patrolled by an Allegiance of Heroes, costumed vigilantes who carry handcuffs, pepper spray and tasers. Unlike the supervillains, who carry flick-knives, […]

Colour-in 9-11 (GNW 25/5/09: monologue)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

The American Federal Emergency Management Agency has removed a children’s colouring book from its website after complaints over pictures of the September 11 attacks. Frankly, it trivialises the memories of the dead to have the attacks reduced to outline form. Because if kids are going to be exposed to terrorist attacks, it’s best that it’s […]

Formal Lust (GNW 25/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

A 17-year-old at an Ohio Christian school faces suspension for going to his girlfriend’s formal. In fact it wasn’t going to the formal so much as the fact that he had a girlfriend. A 17-year-old at an Ohio Christian school faces suspension for going to his girlfriend’s formal. And fair enough – you know what […]

Sexting (GNW 25/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

NSW police have warned teenagers about the dangers of sending nude photos of yourself on mobile phones. Apparently, the danger is that people will be able to see photos of you naked. Not rocket science, I would’ve thought. NSW police have warned teenagers about the dangers of sending nude photos of yourself on mobile phones, […]

Punching Teachers (GNW 25/5/09: 3 1/2 Corners)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

A school in China is helping ease students’ tensions by letting them lay into punching bags dressed up like their teachers. Except for the punching bags, it’s similar to the relaxation techniques used several years ago in Columbine High. Chinese school children are being encouraged to relieve stress by punching sandbags covered in pictures of […]

Turban Helmets (GNW 25/5/09: Up-cut)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

In the UK, Sikh police officers want the force to develop bullet-proof turbans so they can join gun & riot squads. Fully Sikh! It will be particularly useful for inner-city riots. It’s an urban disturbin’ turban. They also want to be armed with more destructive weaponry. They want to be able to Sikh and Destroy. […]

Financial Crisis Tour (GNW 25/5/09: Up-cut)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

A former vice-president at Deutsche Bank has set up a Financial Crisis Tour of Wall Street. Unfortunately once he lost his job he found he didn’t actually have any skills of any use to anyone. A former vice-president at Deutsche Bank has set up a Financial Crisis Tour of Wall Street. It’s worth going just […]

Boom in affairs (GNW 25/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Affairs are booming in the recession. There’s nothing more appealing than an illicit affair with someone who has no idea how much financial shit you’re in. / no idea of your real bank balance. After all, having an affair is one of the few activities left where you CAN pay with sexual favours. An American […]

Swine flu parties (GNW 25/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the virus before a more virulent strain emerges. Their kids are keen – after all, the parties last for weeks! American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the […]

Good Next Week (GNW 25/5/09: closing)

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Tues, May 26 Tomorrow is National Sorry Day. Had you forgotten? Apologise! National Sorry Day is coming up again. This year, it’s the indigenous people’s turn! (They’re sorry that they ever believed Kevin’s one.) The Australian Science Festival in Canberra will unveil a bionic man that can plug into your iPod and play mp3s out […]

And the big news? (GNW 18/5/09: monologue)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Still, like my mum always said, it’s what’s inside that counts. If this continues, Australians will be dying off younger and younger. Which not only helps with the “aging population” problem, but also the OVERpopulation problem. Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Well, that’s what happens when […]

Big Hubbles in troubles (GNW 18/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

NASA is sending seven astronauts on its most dangerous ever shuttle mission to upgrade the Hubble Space Telescope. And shuttle missions are deadly enough when they don’t have to do anything. NASA says this is a very dangerous shuttle mission. As opposed to the nice safe missions that occasionally explode. NASA says the shuttle mission […]

Surf Roo (GNW 18/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Gold Coast man has rescued a kangaroo caught in a surf-rip. Lucky he caught him, or the kanga was rooted. The roo was just wanting to hang six. He would’ve rescued it straight away, but he had to go home to get his surfboard, his video camera, and the contact number for Today Tonight. Of […]

I Q for love (GNW 18/5/09: Giving Headline)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

A networking and dating web site has been set up for people who have IQs in the top 15% of the population. Well, duh. / Anyone could’ve thought of that. Because your best bet for a wild and passionate love-affair is hooking up with a bunch of people who can play Scrabble in their heads. […]

Vomity car crash a top night out (GNW 18/5/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. But then pissed teens are ridiculously easy to fool. / Wow, pissed teenagers are even more gullible than I thought. / And very canny alcohol can even convince them to buy bridges […]

Al Qaida In The House (GNW 18/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Al Qaida is trying to appeal to Western youth with a rap song. It’s easy – just change “hoes” to “virgins”, “gat” to “rocket launcher”, and “bling” to “all-conquering nation of Islam”, and it pretty much writes itself. (turntable) Jikki-jikki-jikki-jikki-jihad! It’s da BOMB! (Although not in the sense of being good, more in the sense […]

Tattooseum (GNW 18/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Retired history teacher Geoff Ostling has pledged to donate his entire tattooed skin as a work of art. It’ll be perfect for a tattooseum. That’s right, tattooseum. I just made that up. They’ll take the skin off him once they club him to death on the ice floes. It’s just their way. The gallery has […]

Good Next Week (GNW 18/5/09: closing)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Tues, May 19 The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Doncha wish they wouldn’t. / I couldn’t give a BEEP! The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Followed by the tour of The Raging Feminists. The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow, and, under attack for using sexist innuendo, change their name […]

Economy in Terrorble Shape (GNW 11/5/09: monologue)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has told a national security conference that the economic crisis might overtake terrorism as the main threat to Australia. The cops have particularly got their eye on a mysterious man by the name of Econo bank Laden… / They really want to get their hands on Osama That Money. Federal […]

Bleak Budget (GNW 11/5/09: monologue)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Hooray – it’s Budget time! Just when we were getting used to the government throwing money at us, they’re going to try to claw it all back. The government desperately needs to generate new sources of revenue. Pimping out Swannie just ain’t working. At least there’s a positive side to living in a global recession […]