Archive for February, 2008

Libs listening? (Good News Week 25/2/08: monologue)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

The Libs are going on a “listening tour” around Australia, to find out what Australians really want. Some would say it’s a little late… / Well, we know what Australians want, and it’s not them. / I think Australians made it pretty clear what they wanted at the last election… The Libs are going on […]

Mobile Phone Osama (Good News Week 25/2/08: monologue)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Video messages from Osama bin Laden & other al-Qaeda leaders can now be downloaded to your mobile phone. Notifications can be received via alert tone, vibrate or explosion. It also acts as a deterrent for using your mobile while driving. The messages are low quality but are excellent for setting off remote bombs. al-Qaeda is […]

Paparazzi-free bubble (Good News Week 25/2/08: monologue)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Los Angeles officials are thinking of adopting a law which means an 18 metre “personal safety bubble” must be created around particular superstars, to keep them safe from the paparazzi. And it’s 18 kilometres for paparazzi with a zoom lens. Of course, their therapists and drug-dealers have to stay inside the bubble. The idea would […]

The Neighbours Effect (Good News Week 25/2/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

British TV producers and linguists are despairing at a new accent creeping into the Queen’s English: Aussie strine. In fact the Queen herself was recently heard to comment “We are not taking the piss.” As the Queen said, “It’s a bloody disgrace.” Englanders are changing their accent, perhaps due to Aussie soap-operas. The major changes […]

Model Spies (Good News Week 25/2/08: Odd One Out)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Seven models will act as spies and report in other models who have eating disorders or are being bullied. They’ll be like Charlie’s Angels, but without all the kickboxing, karate, gadgetry, explosions and other things that actually make it interesting. / but with four extra girls who just stand around looking pretty. Of course, their […]

Sir Warnie (Good News Week 25/2/08: Giving headline)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

British PM Gordon Brown hopes to revive Britain’s honours system to reward sports stars throughout the Commonwealth. Because nothing would restore the prestige of the knighthood more than giving one to Warnie. Warnie has already put his hand up, claiming that he deserves to be a knight, since he’s already got such a well-polished lance. […]

Adelaide vs Staines (Good News Week 25/2/08: Giving headline)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

The South Australian government has created a new series of ads targeting Britain, with hard-sell slogans like “Sod London house prices” and “Screw working in Staines, hello Adelaide.” The government’s strategy is, if people are going to want to live in Adelaide, they have to be really pissed off first. The South Australian government has […]

Mouse tattoo vaccinations (Good News Week 25/2/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

German research shows that tattoos may be a better way of delivering new DNA vaccines than standard injections. Tattooing works by proving to the diseases that you’re really tough. Diseases get scared off by how big and tough you are, so they go and attack a wussier target. This, of course, is great news for […]

Masturbate-a-thon (Good News Week 25/2/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

On May 31, Copenhagen is hosting a Masturbate-A-Thon, which organisers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love. Wouldn’t it be catchier to call it a Wankathon? We’ll tell you more news about the event as it comes to hand… Last time the “mingle” rooms had to be closed down when all the horny men […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 25/2/08: closing)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

REMINDERS Right now, the Oscars are on, and Paris Hilton is still banned from attending. She’s probably still crying “hot, salty tears” – well, we have to assume they’re tears. Her cheeks were certainly covered in something hot and salty. On Wednesday, Ben Cousins is going to be getting the crap beaten out of him […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 18/2/08: closing)

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Yes, these are a week late… but you see some of them related to this week’s stories. See we often tape two episodes at a time and then replace the end jokes of the second episode with more up to date ones just before they go to air. If that sounds confusing, good, it’s probably […]

Yes, Prime Minister (Good News Week 18/2/08: monologue)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

PM Kevin Rudd is calling for a more respectful Parliament. He hopes that, if the politicians respect each other, there’s some chance that the general populace might one day respect politicians. The language of parliament will be changed: instead of referring to each other as “loathsome maggots” and “lying weasels”, they’ll have to call each […]

Childcare, al-Qaeda style (Good News Week 18/2/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

The US military claims children as young as 10 are being trained by al-Qaeda as killers. It’s “Jihad Trek: The Next Generation”. Their recruiting technique is to ask “Hey little boy, want to play soldiers in the world’s biggest sandpit?” Al Qaida has been recruiting boys as young as ten to use as suicide bombers […]

Baby Brain (Good News Week 18/2/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

A new study shows what families have known all along – that a woman about to give birth loses a significant amount of her memory. Otherwise, she’d never do it again. A new study shows what families have known all along – that a pregnant woman loses a significant amount of her memory. But this […]

Bush Stoned again (Good News Week 18/2/08: The Usual Suspects)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

Oliver Stone wants to make a film about George W Bush. It’s a tale about a guy who went from being “an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world”. And why that’s such a good idea. / And why that was such a bad idea. / And how you can’t teach an […]

Holographic Charlie (Good News Week 18/2/08: The Usual Suspects)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

Prince Charles has appeared as a hologram, addressing the World Future Energy Summit. It’s what’s known as a VR system: Virtual Royalty. In showing his commitment to reducing his carbon footprint, Prince Charles addressed the World Future Energy Summit as a hologram. In fact his holographic self had no footprints at all… He urged them, […]

Apologies for Brendan (Good News Week 18/2/08: Strange but True)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

Controversy has erupted over Brendan Nelson’s qualified support for an apology to the stolen generations. Well, he’s a doctor, he should be able to flout his qualifications. / With all the things the Liberals represent that are worth apologising for, some would say he’s overqualified. Several Liberals didn’t turn up for the apology at all. […]

Gristing her Mills (Good News Week 18/2/08: Spot the Bull)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

Apparently, for the first six months of her relationship with Paul McCartney, Heather Mills was having an affair with an Aussie. She loved having someone with an intimate knowledge of Downunder. Sydney film editor Tim Steel has revealed that Heather was “insatiable”, and that he was her “four-times-a-night-guy”. Yeah, well, let’s hear it from Heather, […]

Self-tasting risotto (Good News Week 18/2/08: Strange but True)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

A Slovenian doctor found an unusual ingredient in the hospital canteen’s chicken risotto – a piece of human tongue. Possibly the chicken bit back. A Slovenian doctor found a piece of human tongue in his chicken risotto. And, even more unusual, he found a piece of beef in his meat pie. / And a piece […]

GNW Ep 1 and a user guide to the Empire

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

For those who came in late, this blog is run by a couple of the writers employed by GNW-TV, makers of The Glass House, The Sideshow and returning this year, Good News Week. I’m Warwick, I do most of the typing here, Mat’s over there – we only let him have the crayons. Makes the […]