The Libs are going on a “listening tour” around Australia, to find out what Australians really want. Some would say it’s a little late… / Well, we know what Australians want, and it’s not them. / I think Australians made it pretty clear what they wanted at the last election… The Libs are going on […]
Month: February 2008
Video messages from Osama bin Laden & other al-Qaeda leaders can now be downloaded to your mobile phone. Notifications can be received via alert tone, vibrate or explosion. It also acts as a deterrent for using your mobile while driving. The messages are low quality but are excellent for setting off remote bombs. al-Qaeda is […]
Los Angeles officials are thinking of adopting a law which means an 18 metre “personal safety bubble” must be created around particular superstars, to keep them safe from the paparazzi. And it’s 18 kilometres for paparazzi with a zoom lens. Of course, their therapists and drug-dealers have to stay inside the bubble. The idea would […]
British TV producers and linguists are despairing at a new accent creeping into the Queen’s English: Aussie strine. In fact the Queen herself was recently heard to comment “We are not taking the piss.” As the Queen said, “It’s a bloody disgrace.” Englanders are changing their accent, perhaps due to Aussie soap-operas. The major changes […]
Seven models will act as spies and report in other models who have eating disorders or are being bullied. They’ll be like Charlie’s Angels, but without all the kickboxing, karate, gadgetry, explosions and other things that actually make it interesting. / but with four extra girls who just stand around looking pretty. Of course, their […]
British PM Gordon Brown hopes to revive Britain’s honours system to reward sports stars throughout the Commonwealth. Because nothing would restore the prestige of the knighthood more than giving one to Warnie. Warnie has already put his hand up, claiming that he deserves to be a knight, since he’s already got such a well-polished lance. […]
The South Australian government has created a new series of ads targeting Britain, with hard-sell slogans like “Sod London house prices” and “Screw working in Staines, hello Adelaide.” The government’s strategy is, if people are going to want to live in Adelaide, they have to be really pissed off first. The South Australian government has […]
German research shows that tattoos may be a better way of delivering new DNA vaccines than standard injections. Tattooing works by proving to the diseases that you’re really tough. Diseases get scared off by how big and tough you are, so they go and attack a wussier target. This, of course, is great news for […]
On May 31, Copenhagen is hosting a Masturbate-A-Thon, which organisers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love. Wouldn’t it be catchier to call it a Wankathon? We’ll tell you more news about the event as it comes to hand… Last time the “mingle” rooms had to be closed down when all the horny men […]
REMINDERS Right now, the Oscars are on, and Paris Hilton is still banned from attending. She’s probably still crying “hot, salty tears” – well, we have to assume they’re tears. Her cheeks were certainly covered in something hot and salty. On Wednesday, Ben Cousins is going to be getting the crap beaten out of him […]