Archive for March, 2008

There’s nothing funnier than child-eating snakes (Good News Week 17/3/08: monologue)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Cairns residents are worried for their children after a giant scrub python devoured a full-size wallaby with a joey in its pouch. Mmmm… the joey’s the juiciest bit! / most tender part! / best part! The joey made a delightful entree! After a python swallowed an entire wallaby with joey, Cairns residents are concerned for […]

Howard not sorry for no sorry (Good News Week 17/3/08: monologue)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Former PM John Howard has continued to argue that an apology to the stolen generations was misguided. He’d prefer an apology to the stolen parliamentarians. / an apology for being so rudely kicked out of office. The former PM said the apology could create a sense of the indigenous box being “ticked”, when his government […]

Drugged stars are bad mmkay? (Good News Week 17/3/08: What’s the story?)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

The executive director of the UN’s office on Drugs and Crime says that some stars are sending the wrong message on drugs. Well, that’s probably why they sent the wrong message then. They’re on drugs. The executive director of the UN’s office on Drugs and Crime says that some stars are sending the wrong message […]

Kevin – meet the world (Good News Week 17/3/08: What’s the story?)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Kevin Rudd is embarking on his first world tour, taking in the US, Europe and China during 17 days of travel. He’ll travel in his own private zeppelin, with a non-stop supply of iced vovos and pole dancers. Kevin Rudd is embarking on a world tour, taking in the US, Europe and China. Apparently China […]

Obama no vice (Good News Week 17/3/08: Bites)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Barack Obama has rebuffed Hillarys Clinton’s suggestion that he’d make a great Vice-President, or as she’s suggesting calling the position, Presidential Slave. / Chief Slave. / Superslave. / King of the Slaves. / Uncle Tom. / King Nigger. Hillary has suggested that a Clinton-Obama combination would be “a dream ticket”. Yeah. In her dreams. Hillary […]

The Loser Party (Good News Week 17/3/08: Bites)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson said he’d work towards the merger of the Liberal and National parties into a single conservative entity, to be known as The Losers. They want to form one party, as having the combined votes of 2 parties and still losing so resoundingly is just really embarrassing. They want to form one […]

Arnie says tank-you (Good News Week 17/3/08: Blow up your pants)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Arnold Schwarzeneggar wants his tank back. And he wouldn’t mind his robot skeleton back too. The tank was only ever on loan; Arnie had always said he’d be back. Arnold Schwarzeneggar wants his tank back. And if they say no, he’ll TAKE it back. Seeing the Austrian tank again has made him nostalgic. One day, […]

Sexy housework (Good News Week 17/3/08: Blow up your pants)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Men are doing more housework, and are getting laid more often. Which, of course, is the only reason they’re doing the housework. / Proving men will do anything for a shag. It’s certainly more productive than buying stupid roses. This way, men get a root and the dishes get done. Therapists say there is a […]

Just shoot me (Good News Week 17/3/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

A US man had a friend shoot him in the shoulder so that he could get out of work. He really hates casual Friday. Ironically, he’s been fired. / The man has now been fired. Sounds weird to us, but American bosses wouldn’t believe a sickie unless it came with a gunshot wound. Well, it […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 17/3/08: closing)

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Tues, March 18 Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club on behalf of the mumblemumble Party. Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club on behalf of whatever party he’s representing at the moment. Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club – tickets are still available. In fact, ALL the […]

Fixed Term Prime (Good News Week 10/3/08: monologue)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Liberal MP Chris Pearce has called for a maximum of three terms for Prime Ministers, to prevent the nation from becoming a dictatorship. Boy, these Libs have taken this Rudd thing hard. The Libs figure the easiest way to get rid of Rudd is legislatively. / Changing the laws seems like the only way they’re […]

Who you gonna call? Ghost outlawers! (Good News Week 10/3/08: monologue)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

China is banning video depictions of ghosts, demons, and monsters. Because the only violent monster the Chinese Government wants to see is itself. Chinese officials have banned all horror video and audio content in the lead-up to the Beijing Olympics. That includes any police interviews. Who you gonna call? Ghost Outlawers! / Ghost Legislators! / […]

DNA Barcode Scanners (Good News Week 10/3/08: monologue)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Scientists hope within five years to have developed a hand-held device that can identify any animal, plant, fungus or bug from a small sample. Although getting a sample from a bug basically means ripping off a leg. / And the best way to get a sample from a bug is to squish it. Finally, something […]

If you’re getting crucified, you may as well do it with a harbour view (Good News Week 10/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

A crucifixion re-enactment is going to take place in Sydney. Finally, a positive use for King’s Cross. Re-enacting the crucifixion of Jesus in Sydney. Isn’t that a bit like re-enacting the last supper in Sodom? Jesus will be flogged to near-death near the Opera House, much like the last Andrew Lloyd Webber show. / merchandise […]

Ahhh… urine on ice (Good News Week 10/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Sports Minister Kate Ellis announced a new program where Olympic athletes will have blood and urine tests stored in a deep freeze tank for up to 8 years. Depending on how thirsty she gets. And you should see her frozen poo collection! And after the 8 years, she plans to sell them on eBay. Eventually, […]

Girly gangs (Good News Week 10/3/08: 3.5 Corners)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

In Chelles, east of Paris, police arrived at a bus station to find about 100 girls aged between 14 and 17 engaged in a fierce battle with knives, screwdrivers, sticks and teargas. Several of their boyfriends were nearby, hiding behind their manbags. And you should see the carnage if two of the girls wear the […]

Spammedburger (Good News Week 10/3/08: 3.5 Corners)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

A Swiss company has produced a new food ideal for hikers – a cheeseburger in a can. Well, at least it’s better than McDonalds. Well, your chances of coming across a drive-thru in the forest are pretty slim. To compete, McDonalds are now thinking of offering a new “hike-thru” service. At long last, when you […]

Hyper-Mugabe (Good News Week 10/3/08: Upcut)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe celebrated his 84th birthday at a huge election rally. The bash cost three trillion Zimbabwe dollars, the equivalent of almost $300,000 Aussie dollars when the deal was struck. Although (check watch) now it’s worth about fiddy cents. With his country suffering 100,000 percent inflation, Robert Mugabe has spent three trillion Zimbabwe […]

Pig Party Poopers (Good News Week 10/3/08: Upcut)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They never get to hang out with the cool kids. Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They wanna know where all the hot school-girls hang out. / They wanna know where they can palm off a few grams of leaf as […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 10/3/08: closing)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7% – the only people who like him now is his mum and three guys from the Klan. Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7%, due to China’s ban on make-believe monsters. Because of his low popularity, Brendan Nelson says he’s “the underdog” – the mangy incontinent underdog with rabies. After […]