Archive for July, 2008

$308 million to be Batman (Good News Week 28/7/08: Warren)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

The author of a new book on Batman estimates the cost of being a real-life Batman would be 308 million dollars. Though you could be Robin for a couple of thou. To be a real-life Batman, you’d need to be one of the world’s richest people. Or a master criminal! Lucky he’s actually multimillionaire Bruce […]

McCain the luddite (Good News Week 28/7/08: Warren)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

US Presidential candidate John McCain has admitted he never uses email and has to be shown websites. In fact he doesn’t even own a computator. / one of those adding machines. He says he doesn’t use the internet. In fact, he gave up interfishing years ago. It’s no big deal. The current president can’t even […]

AnaeSithic (Good News Week 28/7/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

In the UK, a Star Wars fan watched Revenge of the Sith instead of having a general anaesthetic during a double knee joint-replacement operation. Because when you see Anakin Skywalker burnt to a crisp after losing both legs and an arm, a bit of a dicky knee doesn’t seem so bad after all. Watching the […]

Schoolgirls harass construction workers (Good News Week 28/7/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

British high school girls who have been wolf-whistling at construction workers have been warned to stop. See, it starts with school girls showing a bit of plumbers’ crack, and look where it ends. British high school girls who have been wolf-whistling at construction workers have been warned to stop. And you can see the footage […]

Alcoholic, suicidal, depressing entertainment (Good News Week 28/7/08: 5 second grab)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

A survey showing that Australian films were too depressing for audiences has been released by the Film Finance Corporation, just weeks prior to it being amalgamated into Screen Australia. If only it had had a happy ending. Australian films are too depressing to draw crowds. But no wonder Aussie filmmakers are depressed – have you […]

Lifelike-savers (Good News Week 28/7/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

Gympie police frantically smashed car windows to rescue a seemingly unconscious baby, only to discover it was an extremely lifelike doll. They were so frustrated they arrested the baby whose doll it was. Gympie police frantically smashed car windows to rescue a seemingly unconscious baby, only to discover it was an extremely lifelike doll. So […]

Oil crisis = whore crisis (Good News Week 28/7/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

American brothels have had a huge slump in business due to the oil crisis. Turns out blokes don’t need sex as badly as they need petrol to get there. The price of crude, stops ‘em getting rude. All over America blokes who are no longer able to afford to get their rocks off, are instead […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 28/7/08: closing)

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

Tues, July 29 Tomorrow sees the release of a national survey of adult oral health. Apparently it’s healthier if you spit. Toothpaste, people, toothpaste. Tomorrow sees the release of a national survey of adult oral health. Needless to say, it’s an oral survey. Tomorrow is NASA’s 50th anniversary. In a statement to mark the occasion, […]

The Relaity Behined the Headlions (Good News Week 14/7/08: monologue)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Some unusual news stories on TV this week. (Play “gulity” clip.) You can tell he was gulity. He had that gulity look in his eeys. Although the man has been found gulity, the judge is still finding it difficult to pass an appropriate sentence. Or even use the word “gulity” in an appropriate sentence. He’s […]

Your GPS controls your car (Good News Week 14/7/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

The NSW Government is trialling an in-car GPS system that cuts off fuel flow to engines when it detects the driver is speeding. And when it detects another driver is speeding, it automatically flips them the bird. / it automatically honks, flips them the bird, overtakes them, slows right down, gets out, and throws the […]

Anyone missing a 727? (Good News Week 14/7/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Vietnamese authorities are trying to find the owner of a Boeing 727 abandoned at Hanoi’s Noi Bai airport last year. I’m thinking of popping over and saying it’s mine. They also want to find the owner of the airport it’s been stranded on. If someone doesn’t own up soon, they’re going to have to ask […]

Powered by Rave (Good News Week 14/7/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

A London nightclub is about to open which will use the pounding of clubbers’ feet to generate electricity. Of course the most eco-friendly dancers will be those who avoid pirouettes and go the Zombie Stomp. If you want to be really eco-friendly, make sure you bring your jackhammer. If you want to be really eco-friendly, […]

Telephone Ads Make Hilarious Sitcoms (Good News Week 14/7/08: Odd One Out)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Telstra are thinking of launching a sitcom based on the ad with the father telling his son that the Great Wall of China was used for keeping out rabbits. Huh! And they say Australia can’t make sitcoms! It’s sure to go ahead. They may only have two very vague characters, and 20 seconds worth of […]

Bushomobography (Good News Week 14/7/08: Odd One Out)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

President Bush is thinking of writing a memoir. He just needs to work out what all them squiggly wordy-symbol-things mean and he’ll get cracking. Bush reckons he can do all the drawings if someone can handle the rest. He says he’s always been an avid reader, and he’s read all the classics – everything from […]

Designer Dogs (Good News Week 14/7/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Inner-city Sydney is seeing a boom in luxury pet products due to the rise in households with high incomes, no children and no taste. Many upmarket Sydneysiders are dressing their dogs up in designer clothes, sunglasses, and sometimes even fetish gear. Because upmarket Sydneysiders are, in general, twats. / really, really fucked. Dogs are now […]

I’m Hot for Preacher (Good News Week 14/7/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Organisers are using a calendar of 12 hot priests to promote World Youth Day. Relax ladies, they’re gay – for the Lord. They may be hot, but only for Jesus. Please forgive me Father, for I’m about to sin… The priests know it’s not a sin to pose for photographs. They’ve been telling altar boys […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 14/7/08: closing)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Tues, July 15 Tomorrow is World Youth Day, and, if you’re an anti-Catholic protestor, it’s World Youch Day. Tomorrow is World Youth Day, so non-Catholic Sydneysiders are advised to hide in their cupboards. Tomorrow is World Youth Day, where all over Sydney, Catholic priests will be offered their choice of youth. The “Future Of Media” […]

Shit, More Fucking Watermarks (Good News Week 7/7/08: monologue)

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

Foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsey has caused a stir, with his frequent swearing provoking Senate recommendations for changes to Australia’s broadcasting standards. The new recommendations include mandating that all new digital TVs include parental lock-out systems, which whenever they detect the presence of swearing will replace it with a matronly voice saying “Wash your mouth out!” […]

Charlie’s Wine Car (Good News Week 7/7/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

Prince Charles is cutting his carbon footprint by running his 38 year old Aston Martin on fuel made from surplus English wine. Only problem is, his car is now permanently over the limit. Well? It is a vintage car… Prince Charles is driving his car on surplus wine. He’s got to do something with all […]

World No-Being-Rude-To-Catholics Day (Good News Week 7/7/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

New powers will allow police to arrest, fine and partially strip-search Sydneysiders for causing annoyance or inconvenience to World Youth Day participants. Because World Youth Day should be a celebration of youth! Obedient, straight-laced youth! / And youth should shut up and do what they’re told. Annoyance could mean anything from wearing a T-shirt to […]