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Good News Week

Kevin Rudd: economic crisis superstar (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

At the moment, Rudd is looking positively Presidential. Though not in the choking-on-a-pretzel, can’t-pronounce-nuclear, invading-random-countries way. But Rudd’s apparently fixing the economic crisis by cutting interest rates and stuffing our pockets with cash! What’s not to like? If only all wartime responses involved handing out bucketloads of loot! If economic crises mean interest rate cuts […]

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Good News Week

Cops snitch on themselves (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

Over 1000 complaints about the integrity of Australian Federal Police officers were made last financial year, almost half of them made by fellow officers. Turns out even the pigs hate the pigs. The AFP is generally very professional. It’s just a thousand or so bad apples spoiling the barrel. Over 1000 complaints about Australian Federal […]

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Good News Week

Teen Judges (Good News Week 27/10/08: What’s the Story)

Victorian Attorney-General Rob Hulls has announced a plan for teen judges, prosecutors and jurors to dispense justice to young offenders. Though they wouldn’t be allowed to pass any serious sentences, just Chinese burns and wedgies. / just sulky silences and cutting themselves. / but they would be allowed to gang up on the accused on […]

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Good News Week

Virtual strip search (Good News Week 27/10/08: What’s the Story)

A new, virtual strip search machine is being trialled in Australian airports, which allows security staff to see travellers’ breasts and genitals. Although not their faces – that would be rude. People won’t be able to be recognised, as their faces will be blurred. Although there is still the chance that one of the operators […]

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Good News Week

Hummusless (Good News Week 27/10/08: Warren)

A Lebanese trade union is planning to sue Israel for claiming Arab cuisine as their own. They say Jews stealing other people’s foods and culture is just not kosher. Well if the Arabs don’t want the Jews to take their food, they shouldn’t have made it kosher. Looks like the next war in the Middle […]

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Good News Week

Snuff is back (Good News Week 27/10/08: Warren)

The credit crunch and smoking ban have resulted in the revival of the dead art of snorting snuff! Unfortunately the habit is so little seen these days, it has caused some tragic accidents when some kids tried snorting snuff films. The new craze not only saves you money, but it means you don’t have to […]

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Good News Week

Classroom guns (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

A tiny Texan school has armed its teachers to protect students from crazed gunmen. Because as usual, the best way to prevent shootings is to stock up on guns. Because the only thing that could possibly be safer than kids with guns is teachers with guns. And, when the massacre happens, they can pick off […]

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Good News Week

Spy pigeons (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

Two pigeons have been captured near an Iranian nuclear enrichment facility, and are being accused of being spies. They could tell they weren’t from nearby – all the local birds are hideously deformed. / are radioactive mutants. The Iranians know they’re spies. A little birdy told them. The pigeons are definitely spies. The Iranian’s undercover […]

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Good News Week

Imam Chucky (Good News Week 27/10/08: Strange But True)

British parents are disturbed by a children’s doll that appears to say “Islam is the light” and “Satan is King”. Hang on, is it meant to be Muslim or Satanic? Clearly this doll is religiously conflicted. / still spiritually immature. Parents are disturbed by a children’s doll that appears to say “Islam is the light” […]

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Good News Week

Palin Porn Gives Me The Horn (Good News Week 27/10/08: Strange But True)

A major LA porn studio is looking for a Sarah Palin look-alike to play Palin in an adult film. Because before you vote for the next leader of the free world, you want to fantasise about screwing her. That’s sure to get more folks rootin’ for her! And to think those nasty lefties are saying […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (Good News Week 27/10/08: closing)

Tues, Oct. 28 Tomorrow, it’s Czech Republic Day. But just to save you the trouble, I have checked, and it is indeed republic day. Tomorrow’s Czech Republic Day. At least, I think it is – I’ll have to Czech… The Future City Transport summit will be held tomorrow. Wow, that is in the future! Tomorrow […]

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Good News Week

Road Rage Rises (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

New research shows Australian drivers are showing all-time high levels of aggression, with acts of revenge increasingly popular. So everyone please, before you go out on the roads, remember to take out your aggression on a family member. Australians are angry drivers. But, to put it into context, that’s only because we’re all pissed. / […]

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Good News Week

Bored (shorts) of budgie smuggling (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

Queensland’s Surf Life Saving association is offering an alternative to budgie smugglers in boardshorts, in order to keep young people in the sport. They’re also emphasising that it’s a sport, rather than boring old saving lives. Lifesavers not wearing budgie smugglers? It’s unAustralian! But now how will we know they’re lifesavers? If they’re wearing board […]

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Good News Week

Happy doing nothing (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

According to the 2008 Happiness Index, the most popular activity to make Australians happy has turned out to be doing nothing. I knew we were all wasting time doing stuff! And even better, doing nothing has zero carbon emissions! (Except maybe the occasional burst of methane.) Hang on a tic… (sit back, look around, twiddle […]

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Good News Week

Superman for President (Good News Week 20/10/08: What’s the Story)

The life stories of John McCain and Barack Obama are being portrayed in comic book form! At last people don’t have to read those stuffy old newspapers to get their politics. / An alternative news source to those who find TV too shallow and newspapers too wordy. / poorly inked. That’s what we need – […]

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Good News Week

Toad legs: delicious (Good News Week 20/10/08: What’s the Story)

An American TV chef has invented a new dish in the Northern Territory: cane toad legs in garlic and white wine sauce. Mmm, toady! Considering how much sugar they eat, they still taste surprisingly toad-like. Cane toad may be the ultimate food animal. Not only does it taste just like chicken, but you’re allowed to […]

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Good News Week

Spybook (Good News Week 20/10/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

The British Secret Service has taken to recruiting spies through Facebook. Unfortunately many of their recruits have taken to updating their status as “Person X is now a SPY!!!” / “Licensed to Kill”. The main problem with recruiting Facebookers as spies, is that they keep writing updates like “…is currently lurking outside the Iranian consulate […]

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Good News Week

My debt’s bigger than yours (Good News Week 20/10/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Banks are trying to psychologically manipulate people into applying for loans and credit cards they don’t really need. What? Banks being underhanded and cruel? I’ve never heard of such a thing. / What? Banks wanting you to take out a loan that you can’t really afford, just to bleed you dry through interest repayments? Surely […]

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Good News Week

Lips trump air kisses (Good News Week 20/10/08: Blow Up Your Pants)

According to the London Daily Telegraph, the lip-to-lip kiss has now replaced the air-kiss as the new social handshake. And the actual handshake has been replaced with the Dirty Sanchez. / with the “2 in the pink, 1 in the stink”. / with social penetration. London’s Daily Telegraph has reported the results of a study […]

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Good News Week

Penguin Colada (Good News Week 20/10/08: Animal Magnetism)

The latest casualties of climate change are a group of penguins who ended up migrating to Brazil. The unusual detour was primarily caused by warmer-than-normal ocean currents, although many of the penguins also wanted to check out the hot Brazilian chicks. / were hankering for a pina colada. / had their hearts set on dancing […]