Archive for October, 2008

Kevin Rudd: economic crisis superstar (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

At the moment, Rudd is looking positively Presidential. Though not in the choking-on-a-pretzel, can’t-pronounce-nuclear, invading-random-countries way. But Rudd’s apparently fixing the economic crisis by cutting interest rates and stuffing our pockets with cash! What’s not to like? If only all wartime responses involved handing out bucketloads of loot! If economic crises mean interest rate cuts […]

Cops snitch on themselves (Good News Week 27/10/08: monologue)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Over 1000 complaints about the integrity of Australian Federal Police officers were made last financial year, almost half of them made by fellow officers. Turns out even the pigs hate the pigs. The AFP is generally very professional. It’s just a thousand or so bad apples spoiling the barrel. Over 1000 complaints about Australian Federal […]

Teen Judges (Good News Week 27/10/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Victorian Attorney-General Rob Hulls has announced a plan for teen judges, prosecutors and jurors to dispense justice to young offenders. Though they wouldn’t be allowed to pass any serious sentences, just Chinese burns and wedgies. / just sulky silences and cutting themselves. / but they would be allowed to gang up on the accused on […]

Virtual strip search (Good News Week 27/10/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

A new, virtual strip search machine is being trialled in Australian airports, which allows security staff to see travellers’ breasts and genitals. Although not their faces – that would be rude. People won’t be able to be recognised, as their faces will be blurred. Although there is still the chance that one of the operators […]

Hummusless (Good News Week 27/10/08: Warren)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

A Lebanese trade union is planning to sue Israel for claiming Arab cuisine as their own. They say Jews stealing other people’s foods and culture is just not kosher. Well if the Arabs don’t want the Jews to take their food, they shouldn’t have made it kosher. Looks like the next war in the Middle […]

Snuff is back (Good News Week 27/10/08: Warren)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

The credit crunch and smoking ban have resulted in the revival of the dead art of snorting snuff! Unfortunately the habit is so little seen these days, it has caused some tragic accidents when some kids tried snorting snuff films. The new craze not only saves you money, but it means you don’t have to […]

Classroom guns (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

A tiny Texan school has armed its teachers to protect students from crazed gunmen. Because as usual, the best way to prevent shootings is to stock up on guns. Because the only thing that could possibly be safer than kids with guns is teachers with guns. And, when the massacre happens, they can pick off […]

Spy pigeons (Good News Week 27/10/08: Limericks)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Two pigeons have been captured near an Iranian nuclear enrichment facility, and are being accused of being spies. They could tell they weren’t from nearby – all the local birds are hideously deformed. / are radioactive mutants. The Iranians know they’re spies. A little birdy told them. The pigeons are definitely spies. The Iranian’s undercover […]

Imam Chucky (Good News Week 27/10/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

British parents are disturbed by a children’s doll that appears to say “Islam is the light” and “Satan is King”. Hang on, is it meant to be Muslim or Satanic? Clearly this doll is religiously conflicted. / still spiritually immature. Parents are disturbed by a children’s doll that appears to say “Islam is the light” […]

Palin Porn Gives Me The Horn (Good News Week 27/10/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

A major LA porn studio is looking for a Sarah Palin look-alike to play Palin in an adult film. Because before you vote for the next leader of the free world, you want to fantasise about screwing her. That’s sure to get more folks rootin’ for her! And to think those nasty lefties are saying […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 27/10/08: closing)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Tues, Oct. 28 Tomorrow, it’s Czech Republic Day. But just to save you the trouble, I have checked, and it is indeed republic day. Tomorrow’s Czech Republic Day. At least, I think it is – I’ll have to Czech… The Future City Transport summit will be held tomorrow. Wow, that is in the future! Tomorrow […]

Road Rage Rises (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

New research shows Australian drivers are showing all-time high levels of aggression, with acts of revenge increasingly popular. So everyone please, before you go out on the roads, remember to take out your aggression on a family member. Australians are angry drivers. But, to put it into context, that’s only because we’re all pissed. / […]

Bored (shorts) of budgie smuggling (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Queensland’s Surf Life Saving association is offering an alternative to budgie smugglers in boardshorts, in order to keep young people in the sport. They’re also emphasising that it’s a sport, rather than boring old saving lives. Lifesavers not wearing budgie smugglers? It’s unAustralian! But now how will we know they’re lifesavers? If they’re wearing board […]

Happy doing nothing (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

According to the 2008 Happiness Index, the most popular activity to make Australians happy has turned out to be doing nothing. I knew we were all wasting time doing stuff! And even better, doing nothing has zero carbon emissions! (Except maybe the occasional burst of methane.) Hang on a tic… (sit back, look around, twiddle […]

Superman for President (Good News Week 20/10/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

The life stories of John McCain and Barack Obama are being portrayed in comic book form! At last people don’t have to read those stuffy old newspapers to get their politics. / An alternative news source to those who find TV too shallow and newspapers too wordy. / poorly inked. That’s what we need – […]

Toad legs: delicious (Good News Week 20/10/08: What’s the Story)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

An American TV chef has invented a new dish in the Northern Territory: cane toad legs in garlic and white wine sauce. Mmm, toady! Considering how much sugar they eat, they still taste surprisingly toad-like. Cane toad may be the ultimate food animal. Not only does it taste just like chicken, but you’re allowed to […]

Spybook (Good News Week 20/10/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

The British Secret Service has taken to recruiting spies through Facebook. Unfortunately many of their recruits have taken to updating their status as “Person X is now a SPY!!!” / “Licensed to Kill”. The main problem with recruiting Facebookers as spies, is that they keep writing updates like “…is currently lurking outside the Iranian consulate […]

My debt’s bigger than yours (Good News Week 20/10/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Banks are trying to psychologically manipulate people into applying for loans and credit cards they don’t really need. What? Banks being underhanded and cruel? I’ve never heard of such a thing. / What? Banks wanting you to take out a loan that you can’t really afford, just to bleed you dry through interest repayments? Surely […]

Lips trump air kisses (Good News Week 20/10/08: Blow Up Your Pants)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

According to the London Daily Telegraph, the lip-to-lip kiss has now replaced the air-kiss as the new social handshake. And the actual handshake has been replaced with the Dirty Sanchez. / with the “2 in the pink, 1 in the stink”. / with social penetration. London’s Daily Telegraph has reported the results of a study […]

Penguin Colada (Good News Week 20/10/08: Animal Magnetism)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

The latest casualties of climate change are a group of penguins who ended up migrating to Brazil. The unusual detour was primarily caused by warmer-than-normal ocean currents, although many of the penguins also wanted to check out the hot Brazilian chicks. / were hankering for a pina colada. / had their hearts set on dancing […]