Archive for August, 2009

China the bully (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

There’s a new bully in town. And that bully’s name is China. They’re holding Australia’s head in the toilet & flushing. And if you’ve ever used a Chinese toilet… well, it’s not pleasant. / Although if it’s a Chinese toilet, we’ll be lucky if it does flush. We sell them iron ore, we help them […]

Prostitutes vs Politicians (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

An online survey in China has found that prostitutes are considered more trustworthy than politicians. But it’s not just in China. In fact, in Italy, the prostitutes are the best source of reliable information about politicians. An online survey in China has found that prostitutes are considered more trustworthy than politicians. Plus they can do […]

Super-Space-humans (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

China has released a list of 100 rules that people will have to comply with in order to be considered “super-human” enough to be an astronaut. Well, you are going to have to fly faster than a speeding bullet. Bad breath, body odour, tooth cavities, runny noses, and scars are all on the list. But […]

Don’t Fool Yourself… Scooters Kill (GNW 24/8/09: What’s The Story?)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Deaths and injuries due to mobility scooters are on the rise. Who would’ve thought that a vehicle driven almost exclusively by those close to death could have resulted in fatalities. It’s uncanny! There have also been an alarming number of fatalities from elderly people using an alternative form of transport known as “their feet”. The […]

Putin it Out There (GNW 24/8/09: What’s The Story?)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has once again unveiled his rippling torso-muscles to the cameras. He’s Vlad the Unveiler. Vladimir just loves to play the macho man. People are so afraid to cross him that the secret police have been freed up to do his personal bidding. And Russians love Putin’s macho image. Every time […]

Stem Teeth (GNW 24/8/09: Three & A Half Corners)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Scientists have been able to grow mouse teeth from stem cells. Nooo! Now my mouse tooth collection will be worthless! If we can grow our own teeth, it will eliminate the need for dentures. Not to mention plastic chattering teeth! / And make those chattering teeth toys a whole lot more realistic. If we can […]

Roadkill Dinner Parties (GNW 24/8/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

A British man has begun holding exclusive dinner parties where the only meat served is roadkill. Just a suggestion – steer clear of the trifle. He says he first got the idea when he ate some McNuggets. But it’s not like he just scrapes a dead thing off the road and pops it on a […]

Woman Wants To Marry Enormous Ride (GNW 24/8/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

A woman in Pennsylvania wants to marry a 25 metre gondola ride called “1001 Nacht”. She has a genuine fairground attraction. After a courtship lasting over 10 years, an American woman is going to marry the love of her life – a magic carpet fairground ride. Which is a slap in the face to those […]

Good Next Week (GNW 24/8/09: closing)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Tuesday, August 25 Kevin Rudd & his cabinet will meet the public in Port Macquarie, after a few bottles of Macquarie Port. Kevin Rudd & his cabinet will meet the public in Port Macquarie. Sounds wet. The National Country Music Muster will be held in Gympie, and the the Bondage and Discipline Sado-Muster will be […]

Nationals want dry farms (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

As the ALP & the Liberals raced to see who could reward the big polluters even more, the Nationals vowed to create a climate change policy of their own. In their one, we just set fire to pandas. As the ALP & the Liberals raced to see who could reward the big polluters even more, […]

Collins class canned (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

The Defence Dept. is calling for design submissions for the navy’s next generation of submarine, to replace its Collins Class boats. And this time, they’re even going to LOOK at them. Ah, the Collins Class – the underwater capability of a sack full of kittens, with the good looks of a dugong. But at least […]

Party and lose wrinkles (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

There were claims Australian GPs are hosting Botox parties for female patients. It may be a breach of ethics, but it sure reduces the seven signs of aging! The parties have door prizes donated by cosmetic surgery companies – and you should see the pinata! The parties have door prizes donated by cosmetic surgery companies, […]

NReaLity (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

The newest reality series? Find a new NRL star! The show will be called “NRL Dream”, as the NRL weren’t so rapt with the original title “MasterMoron”. / “MasterThug”. / “MasterMeathead”. / “MasterRapist”. The contestants have to abseil down a bridge, box Anthony Mundine, and pull an Airbus. Clearly, the makers of the show have […]

Where’s Jacko buried? (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Michael Jackson is buried in an unmarked plot at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood. The exact location is being kept secret so fans don’t descend on the cemetery & damage or deface the grave. See – told you he wasn’t dead. Michael Jackson is buried in an unmarked plot at Forest Lawn Memorial Park […]

New Aussie season (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Australia’s top botanist says Australia should dump the “European mentality” & make up our own seasons. I suggest we have just 2: “Beanies” and “Budgiesmugglers”. / “Indoors” and “Out”. Dr. Tim Entwhistle argues we have at least 5 seasons. So we should name them after the Daddos. Dr. Tim Entwhistle argues we have at least […]

Don’t iPod and walk (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

N.S.W. police have warned pedestrians who listen to iPods or text while crossing the road that they could be fined or even jailed if they cause an accident. Because copping a fine will really teach them a lesson that being hit by a car didn’t. / Because jail time will teach you a lesson that […]

Free and open imprisoned opposition (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Burma’s military leaders, the men who put the “junt” in junta, sentence democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi to a further 18 months of house arrest after yet another sham trial. Hello? Coalition of the Willing, anyone? HELLO?? It was a sham trial. Although, granted, at least the guns were real. Of course the elections […]

Kim Jong-Spectac-il (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

100,000 North Koreans performed synchronised moves as part of the country’s biggest propaganda spectacle ever. It’s a Kim Jong-Spectac-il! 100,000 North Koreans performed synchronised moves as part of the country’s biggest propaganda spectacle ever. Even bigger than the spectacles he normally wears. So now, any job that requires thousands of people dancing will be completed […]

Kyle and Jackie O ruin radio (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

The Australian Communications and Media Authority is considering new protections for minors and guidelines for radio “pranks” thanks to Kyle and Jackie O’s hilarious rape-detector segment. Typical – one idiotic mother grills her teenager and now we all have to miss out on the hilarity of gotcha calls! Radio laws are being looked into as […]

No Sex is Fun! (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

A youth group is calling for an end to casual sex. They want it to be full-time. A youth group is calling for an end to casual sex. They want all sex to be really uptight. / to be performed in dinner jackets and spats. / to have a dress code. They’re called Restoring Integrity […]