Archive for September, 2009

Undersmutty (GNW 28/9/09: monologue)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

The Australian Christian Lobby has launched a “Tame the Tube” campaign to demand tougher rules on sex, violence and foul language on TV. Of course, they’ll keep demanding it until there’s no sex, no violence, no swearing and no TV. / TV should be for promoting Christ and THAT’S IT. “Underbelly” has copped a massive […]

Boats, people & the Liberal asylum (GNW 28/9/09: monologue)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

The Opposition says a big surge in asylum seeker numbers is an urgent problem. More a problem for Christmas Island than the rest of us, but still – URGENT! The Opposition wants asylum seekers to be dealt with. Not in the sense of dealing with them, more in the sense of completely obliterating them. The […]

$11 million Qantas guy (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Despite only working five months in 2008-09 before retiring, Qantas chief executive Geoff Dixon was paid 11 million dollars. Just further proof that the financial crisis is over. At least, it is for that guy. Despite profits dropping 88 percent and 1750 jobs lost, Geoff Dixon’s 5 month job as CEO netted him 11 million. […]

Climatematum (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Climate Change Minister Penny Wong has sent an ultimatum directly to Malcolm Turnbull, demanding that he produce amendments to their climate change legislation by October 19. After being at the United Nations climate summit, she was grateful for any argument that only involved two parties. How can the Coalition be expected to formulate a concrete […]

Teen Rugby League as meatheaded as the Seniors (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

A 16-year-old has been banned from playing rugby league for 20 years after breaking an opposition player’s nose and eye. But that’s no way to encourage one of the code’s best prospects! Awwww. It’s great to see 16 year olds acting like fully-grown rubgy league players. Remember kids, when you’re going to brutally assault someone, […]

America’s Blackest Prez (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Barack Obama has become the first serving President to appear on David Letterman’s “Late Show”. Well, at least the first to appear willingly. Obama’s going to try to appear on as many comedy shows as possible. It’s one area where he’s still well behind George Bush. He was pretty funny on the show, but still […]

Ten For Sale (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

The future is uncertain for Channel Ten after a major shareholder announced they were going to sell off their shares, worth over 50% of the company. Looks like Ramsey Street’s a dead end… Canadian company CanWest is about to sell its 50.06 percent stake of the Ten Network. Finally I can chuck out that maple […]

Ruddy No-Friends (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Poor old Kevin Rudd had a bit of a fizzer at the UN. Not only did he have to speak over an hour late to a third of the audience he was expecting, but he missed Obama’s party at the Metropolitan Museum. And they were having fairy floss! / Luckily he still could go back […]

Weekend Taliban (GNW 28/9/09: Warren)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

It’s been revealed that many workers for the Afghanistan government are fighting for the Taliban on the weekends. It’s called covering your arse. / currying up to both lots of fundamentalist nutjobs. Say what you like about Hamid Karzai’s corrupt election-rigging regime, at least they give you weekends off. Though if a weekend Taliban member […]

Hoff his tits (GNW 28/9/09: Warren)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

David Hasselhoff was saved by his teenage daughter calling paramedics after what was reported to be a day-long vodka binge. Oh David, is there anything you can’t do? / I never knew he was so cosmopolitan! That’s why they call him the Hoff – he’s always hoff his tits. / face. He claims he wasn’t […]

Snakerabbits (GNW 28/9/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

A pair of Northern Queensland rabbits has been going on a snake-killing rampage. They breed ‘em tough up there, even the fluffy widdle bunnies. And once they’ve killed all the snakes, they will turn their attention to US. Of course, being North Queensland, they’re just working their way up to crocodiles. / this is just […]

Dumpster love mugging (GNW 28/9/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Aa middle-aged couple in Kansas have been robbed while sharing “a tender moment in a rubbish bin”. The robbery ruined their life-long dreams of making love in a skip filled with rubbish. But it did fulfill their life-long dreams of being robbed while making love in a skip filled with rubbish. So that’s nice. Two […]

Uranium Attracts Aliens (GNW 28/9/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

South Australian organisation UFOSA has pleaded for BHP Billiton’s Olympic Dam uranium mining expansion to cease, claiming that uranium mining can lead to “intervention by alien UFO intelligences” and the “extinction of people as a species”. Yeah, sure. They just want us to stop making nukes so we’re defenceless against the aliens. South Australian organisation […]

Finally, a Magnetic Flying Mouse (GNW 28/9/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Scientists have managed to make mice levitate to investigate bone loss in zero gravity environments. Obviously “making mice fly” wasn’t sciencey enough. Levitating mice? Our cheese will never be safe again. Flying mice? Now I’m no 50s housewife, but I reckon that’d make ME scream. Trouble is, there’s no cheese up there. It’s all part […]

Good Next Week (GNW 28/9/09: closing)

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Tuesday, September 29 In Sydney, it’s the Men Of League Foundation’s annual dinner. It’s a glittering night, where the more glamorous a woman’s dress, the more blokes they’ll be going home with. In Sydney, it’s the Men Of League Foundation’s annual dinner. Some of the more expensive frocks have been paid for by all of […]

Divebombing Birds (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Spring is here! And with it, the brutal head-wounds of divebombing birds! Run for your wingless lives! It’s nothing personal. It’s just payback for all the chopped-down trees. / payback for global warming. It’s part of their campaign of shock and “awwwgh” (crow sound). Birds might look cute, but then they do their bombing runs. […]

Chiko chick (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Chiko Rolls are looking for the next Chiko Chick. Unfortunately the old ones have all died of heart disease. It’s a great job if you’ve always wanted to be on mechanics’ walls in the 70s. The main jobs will be to wear denim, pose suggestively with a Chiko roll, and draw people’s attention to the […]

Not the NRL (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

Friday, September 25th, 2009

To distance themselves from all their players, the NRL are considering changing their name. It’s kinda like Hitler shaving his moustache and calling himself Herman. The idea is, rather than ditching all the violent drunks and drug-addled losers, they’ll just call the whole thing a different name. Because, without the violent drunks and drug-addled losers, […]

Mickey Marvel (GNW 21/9/09: What’s The Story?)

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Disney has taken over Marvel Comics. Soon, it will be coming for YOU. Marvel cost Disney 4.7 billion US dollars. But it was worth it for a copy of Spiderman Issue 1. Finally, our chance to see Spiderman versus Mickey! GO SPIDERMAN! / It’s about time someone took that talking mouse down. / Let’s see […]

GeoEngineering (GNW 21/9/09: What’s The Story?)

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Britain’s most prestigious science body has published a report on “Plan B” options to avoid catastrophic climate change. Not to avoid it happening. More to avoid the catastrophic climate. Space mirrors! Giant sunshades! Artificial forests! Thank goodness we’re cutting down on our industrial activity. It’s the first significant study of “Plan B” options. Then there’s […]