Archive for October, 2009

Mel’s record wiped (GNW 12/10/09: Giving Headline)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Mel Gibson has had his 2006 drink-driving conviction wiped from his criminal record. So I guess that means his rant about “f-ing Jews… being responsible for all the wars in the world” is now regarded to have been sober and considered. But don’t worry, the incident hasn’t been wiped from the court of public opinion. […]

Potterworld (GNW 12/10/09: Are You Stupider Than A 5th Grader)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Harry Potter fans rejoice! Universal Studios are opening a new theme park: The Wizarding Worlds of Harry Potter. So that’s not just a new theme park, but a whole new verb! (Or possibly adjective.) Harry Potter fans rejoice! Universal Studios are opening a new theme park, called “The Wizarding Worlds of Harry Potter”. Sure, it’s […]

Comfy cows (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Norweigian cows are producing more milk and have fewer udder infections since new regulations mean cow sheds have been filled with soft rubberised mattresses for them to lie on. Or, for younger cows, to bounce on. Norwegian cows give more milk and have less udder infections, and all because they’re more comfortable. They spend half […]

Super Sperm (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Scientists have discovered that sperm are becoming so strong that they’re actually destroying eggs. Which is a bit of an “Ooops” moment for a sperm. The “super sperm” are faster, stronger, and more aggressive than other sperm, and end up destroying the egg. They’re kinda like tiny little rugby league players. Scientists say women’s bodies […]

Good Next Week (GNW 12/10/09: closing)

Friday, October 16th, 2009

Tuesday, October 13 Everyone should celebrate tomorrow’s National Herpes Day. It’s simplex! Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! People are itching to go. Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! Well, that’s what you get for having an ‘Unprotected Sex’ Day. Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Everyone’s favourite incurable blistering STD. Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Celebrate by drinking limited-edition […]

Excuses excuses…

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Hello, a brief look just suggested to me that I haven’t written ANY news since February. To be honest, just posting up the jokes has become a mammoth task, especially with “7 Days in 7 Seconds” churning through the stories in a matter of seconds. (Much as I’ve enjoyed that segment on the show!) So […]

A brief history of Lego (GNW 5/10/09: monologue)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Thankyou, Internet! Many of the world’s most famous photographs have been recreated in Lego. So at last, the world’s great photographs can be appreciated by people who refuse to look at non-brick-based artforms. Tianamen has never been so square! It’s Tianamen Block! What a bunch of evil bricks. Doesn’t look all that consensual to me. […]

Yeltsin’s undie pizza party (GNW 5/10/09: monologue)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

A new book reveals that former Russian president Boris Yeltsin once got so drunk in Washington that he was found outside the White House in his underpants trying to hail a taxi to go and buy a pizza. He was embarrassed – he had no idea that Clinton had stolen his toga. Yeltsin was so […]

Parliamentary farts. Sorry, standards. (GNW 5/10/09: Spot The Bull)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Parliament just keeps getting crasser. Labor backbencher Nick Champion said that Malcolm Turnbull’s refusal to rule out a return to Work Choices was like “a fart in an elevator”. That’s assuming anyone would get into an elevator with Malcolm Turnbull in the first place. But describing Turnbull’s silence as like a “fart in an elevator” […]

McBrothel (GNW 5/10/09: Spot The Bull)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

McDonald’s are combining forces with a local church to oppose a neighbourhood brothel. Minister: “It’s so close, you can almost reach around & touch it with your hand.” And if anyone knows about being touched by young kids with a reacharound… I don’t see what’s wrong with a priest going to McDonald’s to show how […]

Men are liars (GNW 5/10/09: Survey Says)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

A study has found that men lie twice as often as women. Oh, we do not. / Actually, no we don’t. According to a new survey, men tell about 6 lies a day, while women only tell 3. Although apparently they are much better at lying on survey questionnaires. Men tell six fibs a day, […]

World’s Oldest Man (GNW 5/10/09: Clash Of The Titans)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The world’s oldest man, Walter Breuning, celebrates his 113th birthday with a party & cake at his retirement home in Montana. Though it could have been an undersea adventure & ox tongue for all he can tell these days. What do you get a 113 year old? The only thing he really wants is to […]

Deadly bikkies (GNW 5/10/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The latest startling British survey reveals a new menace hiding in our kitchens – bikkies! More than half of all Britons have fallen victim to biscuit-related injuries. I wonder if that’s why the British Empire lies in ruins. Next the surveyors are going to look into just how many people injure themselves on other kinds […]

Take Terrorists To Dinner (GNW 5/10/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Taking suspected terrorists out to dinner may be more effective than locking them up without charge, according to the Department of Foreign Affairs ambassador. If they’re guilty, it can help rehabilitate them, and if they’re innocent, it’s a lot less “going against all the rules of the Geneva Convention”. Just don’t get into an argument […]

Good Next Week (GNW 5/10/09: closing)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Tuesday, October 6 The Man Booker Prize will be awarded to the person who books the most men. (It’ll be a traffic cop AGAIN!) Tomorrow the winner of The Booker Prize will be announced, despite pressure from some corners to rename it the Booky-Wooky Prize. Thomas The Tank Engine will be live on stage in […]