Archive for November, 2009

PMS(L) (GNW 9/11/09: Warren)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

A new study is suggesting that there could be a secret weapon in combating pre-menstrual stress: men! That must explain why men never get it! A new study is suggesting that there could be a secret weapon in combating pre-menstrual stress: men! And here we were thinking we were the cause of it. Traditonally, men […]

Drunk Driving Breathalyser (GNW 9/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

In Ohio, an 18-year-old who went to a Halloween costume dressed as a breathalyser, was arrested for drink-driving. It’s what’s known as asking for trouble. James Miller blew 0.158, but he said it was unfair, as he was only reading 0.02. The man’s blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. Clearly, a bunch […]

CPR Dog (GNW 9/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

The RSPCA animal achievement award has been given to a Queensland dog who thumped her owner’s chest to rouse him after he’d suffered a massive heart attack. Jim Touzeau doesn’t know if he was actually resuscitated, or just frightened back to life. Sure, the CPR helped, but what really brought him round was the mouth […]

Hobo Chic (GNW 9/11/09: Strange But True)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

The newest fashion trend? Hobo chic! It’s like grunge, but smeared with crap! One designer says sometimes he sees a homeless personal “and they’ll just look so good. Or you see a little old lady and she looks awesome ‘cause she’s got something going on, you know?” Yeah, I know. She’s got poverty going on, […]

Malaysian Romance (GNW 9/11/09: Strange But True)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

A Malaysian state government is so concerned about rising divorce rates that they are offering classes on how to stay together. Step one: don’t get divorced. Step two: shut up and like it. A Malaysian state government is offering romance classes to help Muslim couples stay together. Is that a Lumpur in your Kuala or […]

Good Next Week (GNW 9/11/09: closing)

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Tuesday, November 10 In Canberra, Education Minister Julia Gillard will host the National Principals’ Forum, to discuss the problems & challenges facing Australian schools. The main one seems to be getting the kids to learn stuff. The Big Aussie Swap: As part of National Recycling Week, events will be held around the country where people […]

Married… with bin Laden (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Osama bin Laden’s first wife has written a book about life with the al-Qaeda leader. bin Laden is described as a tyrant who trained his own children to be suicide bombers and murdered their pets. But he did have a softer side – he just loved to slaughter Jews. / he just loved to cuddle […]

A Bunch of Emotional Tools (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a DIY project. So now we can botch our relationships like we botched the carport and the decking. Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a […]

StarScreen for Sperm (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A Californian sperm bank is offering prospective clients the opportunity to choose donors who most resemble their favourite celebrity. Though if that’s J-Lo or Jessica Alba, you might not get what you’re after. Look-alike talent agencies are now getting into the sperm bank business, since interest is otherwise drying up in their range of lame […]

Frigid Pussy (GNW 2/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A New Zealand cat survived 19 hours in a freezer. He’s not just a cool cat, but snap-fresh too! The cat survived. But the fish fingers were never seen again. The cat spent 19 hours in a freezer. But it claims it was worth it for first dibs on the frozen trevally. Looks like tabby […]

Happy Humpty (GNW 2/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A BBC children’s show has changed the words of Humpty Dumpty to give it a happy ending. They’ve also decided he isn’t an egg – there’s no way you’re getting that fixed. It may be easy to put Humpty together again, but try doing that to a real egg. It’s not going to happen, no […]

Gluten-free Hookworms (GNW 2/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A Brisbane researcher may have found a therapy for gluten intolerance – hookworms! They just love gluten! The parasite burrows through the skin before travelling via the bloodstream to live in your gut. Or if you want to take the gluten and the cure in one go, just chow down on a hookworm sandwich. Sure, […]

Titanic 2 (GNW 2/11/09: Strange But True)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A British travel firm is planning a transatlantic cruise that will retrace the Titanic’s steps on its hundredth anniversary in 2012. It’s already selling well – trips to Atlantis are a real rarity. The Titanic Memorial Cruise will depart from Southampton on April 8, retrace the Titanic’s steps, and one week later arrive at the […]

Ho White (GNW 2/11/09: Strange But True)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

A local beer has launched itself with a controversial campaign featuring a girl called Ho White smoking in bed with seven semi-naked dwarves. Who needs a handsome prince? Aw, look! It’s like tiny little rugby league! The idea is that the beer isn’t as sweet as people expect. It actually tastes like dwarf semen. The […]

Good Next Week (GNW 2/11/09: closing)

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Tuesday, November 03 Tomorrow’s Melbourne Cup Day, the world’s only holiday for midget racing. The race that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks the world when the nation just keeps going. The event that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks punters when it turns out just to be some horse race. / a […]

Australia – not as good as we think we are (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

The world reckons Australia is not as good as we think we are. A new survey shows that we’re more positive about ourselves than any other nation, but other nations rank us considerably lower on business, culture and social welfare. But you know us Aussies. We love being the underdog. Sure, we may be a […]

It Beggars Belief (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

The Northern Territory has proposed fining people six and a half thousand dollars for begging. And with the begging they’ll need to do to afford the fines, they’ll soon be in debt to the tune of millions. To afford the fines, some beggars may need to close their businesses, or at least lay off some […]

Backpack-transmitted infections (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Just like they used to do with scurvy and smallpox. Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Although they still […]

Nelson signs off (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Former Liberal leader Brendan Nelson tendered his resignation and thanked his constituents with a roadside sign. Although, seeing as he had the worst popularity as a leader in Australian history, he probably could’ve saved time by thanking each supporter individually. On one side, the sign read “Thank You”. The other side read “…For Nothing, Ya […]

Citizenship reborn (GNW 26/10/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

The new Australian citizenship test has dropped questions about Australian sporting heroes. Don Bradman still gets a mention as the “greatest cricketer of all time”, but now that’s only in the pledge. Unfortunately it’s meant a drop in citizenship applications, as many people just wanted to live here for the cricket trivia. Instead of cricket […]