Archive for November, 2008

2008: the year that was (Good News Week 24/11/08: monologue)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

It was the year: Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. And Brendan Nelson told us why it was just tough love. Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. Or as Brendan Nelson preferred to phrase it, the borrowed-with-the-best-intentions generations. Kevin Rudd apologised to the stolen generations. And Brendan Nelson apologised for having to apologise. […]

Maldivers (Good News Week 24/11/08: What’s the Story)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

The new President of the Maldives is going to divert a portion of the annual tourist revenue into a fund to buy a new homeland in case the islands disappear due to rising sea levels. Or if they can’t afford enough new land, perhaps some giant floaties. Or they could just don wetsuits and become […]

The Rudd Wars (Good News Week 24/11/08: What’s the Story)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Kevin Rudd used Remembrance Day to announce a War on Unemployment. Inevitably, there will be casualties, but at the going down of the economy, we will remember them. Kevin Rudd used Remembrance Day to announce a War on Unemployment, following on from his previously announced wars on inflation, drugs, whalers, disadvantage, downloads, pokies, doping in […]

Death to the Lipsynchers (Good News Week 24/11/08: Warren)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

The Culture Ministry stipulates that artists must not “use pre-recorded songs or music to replace live singing or instrument-playing”. The Chinese Government believes that lying, manipulation and coverups don’t belong in the arts – they belong in politics. / should be restricted to politics. Chinese authorities plan to punish singers who lip-synch for “cheating the […]

Madonna’s Custody List (Good News Week 24/11/08: Warren)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Madonna has demanded that newly-estranged hubby Guy Ritchie adhere to a strict 12-point list to get access to their sons Rocco and David, including a ban on newspapers, magazines, TV, photographs, meat, man-made fibres, spiritual and unethical toys, meeting Ritchie’s friends and water unblessed by Kabbalah religious leaders. It’s making Guy nostalgic – it’s just […]

Armless Robbery (Good News Week 24/11/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Munich police are hunting a man with no arms who walked out of a store with a 60cm TV. That’s what you call unarmed robbery. The security staff were too busy watching out for armed robbers. The man had the TV clamped to him by two accomplices. They would have stolen the TV themselves, but […]

Foreskins For Fashion (Good News Week 24/11/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Skin cells cultured from babies’ foreskins are being injected into faces as a wrinkle treatment. They claim that the treatment is permanent, although your face does temporarily get some wrinkles just after you go pee-pee. It’s great if you want your wrinkle treatment to be permanent, or if botulism toxin is just not quite a […]

Mo guns (Good News Week 24/11/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Sales of guns are on the rise in the US with Barack Obama’s victory – although that’s mainly just to assassins, lone gunmen, and the KKK. Sales of firearms are on the rise in the US as gun enthusiasts try to circumvent potential firearms restrictions brought in by the change of government. Not that Obama’s […]

Compulsory Artificial Turf (Good News Week 24/11/08: 3 1/2 Corners)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Due to drought and climate change, the AFL and Cricket Australia are looking for a new kind of turf that both sports can be played on. The most likely so far is something they’re calling “dirt”. / “dead grass”. The best surface for playing cricket on so far is something scientists are calling “the driveway”. […]

Dark Greens (Good News Week 24/11/08: Giving Headline)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

A study has dubbed 4 percent of Americans “carborexics”: people who take their green attitudes to an obsessive compulsive degree. Copies of the study are now available wherever Hummers are sold. So-called “carborexics” or “dark greens” factor carbon emissions into everything they do. Which, admittedly, is very little. Okay, so these people are “carborexic”. But […]

Flying Ferrari (Good News Week 24/11/08: Giving Headline)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Scientists are working on a flying car! Or as they are calling it, a “plane”. / “the futuremobilicopter.” Awesome name. / “Chitty chitty bang bang”. It’s a great idea to make our cars go up and down. Because we’re not just having enough car accidents dealing with just forward and back and left and right. […]

Sheesh Kebab (Good News Week 24/11/08: Buzzers of Death)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

A British man had his catering business closed down when he was discovered making kebabs next to the dead body of a staff member. The charges would have been much more serious, but he hadn’t got him on the spit yet. The body was in a very bad way. But you should’ve seen what happened […]

Sex Party (Good News Week 24/11/08: Strange But True)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

A new political party has formed in opposition to the proposed Internet filter. They’re called the Australian Sex Party, which sounds a little less crass than the Australian Orgy. They’re the only party who loves it when the dollar goes down on them. / who goes down with the dollar. And, as the dollar continues […]

Severed Foot #7 (Good News Week 24/11/08: Strange But True)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Just when everyone thought it was all over, yet another dismembered foot has been discovered on Canada’s beaches. Authorities are now thinking that maybe it’s a pod of extremely small whales beaching themselves after a sneaker-themed fancy-dress party. The authorities are stumped. In Canada, a seventh severed foot has washed up on the beach. These […]

Good Next Two Months (Good News Week 24/11/08: closing)

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Tues, Nov. 25 On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk food advertising will report in Canberra. The report will be very entertaining, but everyone wil feel a bit sick afterwards. / The report will start off really well but about halfway through everyone will start to feel a bit queasy. On Tuesday, the inquiry into junk […]

Aussie gold for tourist crimes (Good News Week 17/11/08: monologue)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

The ugly Australian refuses to die, with over 1300 Aussies being arrested or imprisoned overseas each year. Which is great for keeping local crime rates down. 1300 Australian travellers were arrested or imprisoned in one year, according to new statistics. Who would’ve expected that from a nation founded by convicts? 1300 Australian travellers were arrested […]

Parliament’s Prayer (Good News Week 17/11/08: monologue)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull have both rejected calls to change or abandon the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of each day of Parliament. The Lord was unavailable for comment. Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull have both rejected calls to abandon the Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of each day of Parliament. […]

Did someone say “union”? (Good News Week 17/11/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

The Government plans to introduce a compulsory amenities and services fee of up to $250 for Uni students, but says it isn’t a reintroduction of compulsory student unionism. It’s more like compulsory student taxation. / robbery. If the ALP want the Opposition to support it, they should call it “Student Tax”. If there’s one group […]

UK Brokelympics (Good News Week 17/11/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

The financial crisis means the UK is running out of money for their 2012 Olympics. It’ll all still go ahead – it’s just that the swimming will have to be in the Thames, the running will be around the streets of London, and the diving will be from the top of Big Ben. / and […]

School Pokies (Good News Week 17/11/08: Spot the Bull)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

The Australian Hotels Association has asked the Senate to add gambling education to the national school curriculum. What odds it gets up? The Australian Hotels Association has asked the Senate to add gambling education to the national school curriculum. And no-one really knows how to smoke a cigar any more, maybe add that too. / […]