Archive for March, 2008

Too many Ruddy committees (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

The Opposition have accused Kevin Rudd of forming committees rather than making decisions, saying he’d formed 25 committees in his first hundred days of office. Rudd immediately said he’d look into it, forming the Committee Committee. / Rudd established a committee to look into it. / Rudd immediately formed another 25 committees to look into […]

Alcohol ads are bad mmkay? (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Alcohol ads should be banned before 9pm, says Family First Senator Steve Fielding. Of course, he was very drunk at the time… Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban alcohol advertising on TV before 9pm. What, even on weekends? Senator, that’s unAustralian! Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban daytime alcohol ads, sex […]

MP wage freeze (Good News Week 3/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Kevin Rudd and Brendan Nelson have agreed on an 18 month pay freeze for all Parliamentarians. It’s all very well for Rudd to freeze his salary when he just got a $100,000 raise for becoming PM. Plus the enormous raise in POWER. Kevin Rudd and Brendan Nelson have agreed on an 18 month pay freeze […]

Guns don’t kill people, students kill people (Good News Week 3/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

A group of students is lobbying to be allowed to carry guns to protect themselves against campus gunmen. Honestly, these people are stupid and must be killed. Hey, that gives me an idea… They also believe everyone who doesn’t carry a weapon should be terminated. It’s for their own good. Bush approves. It’s like a […]

Ballet cops (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Cops in Budapest are taking ballet lessons. Not only will the lessons develop their muscle strength and make their movements more graceful, but it enables passersby to clearly see the outline of their penises. Since they’ve started the lessons, there’s been a marked increase in the apprehension of criminal swans. While it does make traffic […]

Goldfish have good wotsinames (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

A 15 year old Adelaide student has proven that fish have memories of at least six days, contrary to the rumour that their memories were three seconds. Huh, as if they could survive with… only a… Sorry, what was I talking about? Goldfish have released a press release, saying “it’s about time our memory was […]

Totally true magazines (Good News Week 3/3/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Lleyton and Rove complained that the magazine just make things up. And then, according to the Womans’ Weekly, they went off and had a drug-crazed sexy nightclub romp with the Olsen Twins – and gained 10 kilos! Rove McManus and Lleyton Hewitt have accused Women’s Day of making up stories about them. Apparently they never […]

Keira’s brushed-up breasts (Good News Week 3/3/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Keira Knightley has revealed she had her boobs painted on for her buxom role in Pirates of the Caribbean. She’s actually a man. / And they digitally removed nearly all of her cock. / And they digitally removed her five-o’clock-shadow. Make-up artists also did a great job of concealing her beard. Not only did Keira […]

A dog of a song (Good News Week 3/3/08: Strange but True)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

A song audible only to dogs has topped New Zealand record charts. Not to suggest that New Zealanders are unusually close to their dogs. They just prefer a bit of quiet time. / It’s just a nice break from all the sheep. The song can’t be heard by humans, which is just as well – […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 3/3/08: closing)

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Tues, March 4 The outcome from latest meeting of the Reserve Bank will be that they’re still a buncha bankers. The Reserve Bank will make another decision on interest rates. Pray they don’t raise them, or mortgage stress will hit hard, and MPs might have to lose the limo. The Texas & Ohio presidential primaries […]